


Misunderstanding

by ChemicalHouse



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Awkward Romance, F/M, Friendship, I have no idea what am I doing, Mistakes, Misunderstandings, Other, Work In Progress, Workplace Relationship, alternative universe, my awkward sense of humor, probably some fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-10-06 17:22:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10340394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemicalHouse/pseuds/ChemicalHouse
Summary: Everything starts with too much work and a mistake. Then there's some parties, siblings and more misunderstandings. But will in the end everything be clear between Richard and Hayley?It's AU where Hammond never got married nor had kids (also Hammond might be OOC but we don't know him really, so...).





	1. Editing crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - english isn't my native, so down there might be some grammar, or any kind of language mistakes. And it's first time I publish story written in english. I'm just insecure.  
> I might maximize some facts connected with editing and making tv shows (I know how it works, though).

**Hayley**

 

Closing the office door and starting to swim in silence of an empty building was in some way purgatory. It was also odd when there was literally no-one in here. Since Monday to Saturday atmosphere was hectic and exciting rush was in the air. But today, on Sunday, every worker had a day off; there was no need to stay here nine to five when nothing actually happens and most of companies, or people who help didn’t work as well. Pointless. 

And yet I had to come here. 

At least no-one will blabber above my head about unimportant stuff not even connected with my job. It’ll be easier to focus, do my thing and go back home. 

I went upstairs, first to the room I share with few other people, then to the kitchen to make some tea, and back to my workplace. Coat was thrown on spare chair next to my desk as I pushed small button and computer was turning on slowly. After sitting down I quickly opened specifics catalogues on desktop and opened files in editing program. I had list what to do with every filmed part; there was a lot of scenes to go through, cut them, put them together again, add some music, add voice overs and colours, and make it look decent as final video. 

Being an editor was an ungrateful and hard job but I loved it. Being an editor in show you really like is even harder but more love comes with that. Making small pieces match to the others, and helping them evolve into one work of art was like puzzles. 

What do we got today? Ah, Jeremy Clarkson's review of new Alfa Romeo, studio shoots and adding voice overs to James May's segment. Easy peasy. 

Typing and clicking furiously I was focused on the screen I even forgot about sound of raining from the outside. Not to mention hearing someone from downstairs. 

“You have exactly two minutes to explain why you’re here before I call the police.” 

I jumped in my chair and turned around quickly. “Jesus Christ, you almost gave me a heart attack.” 

“Time's ticking. Who you are and what you’re doing here?” 

I furrowed. “Could ask the same.” Well, I knew who was standing in front of me. Was wondering what the one and only Richard Hammond was doing at 2pm on Sunday in the empty office.  

“I work here. And you’re doing something suspicious with our computer and movie no-one supposed to see yet.” He had his defensive tone. Police number was visible on his phone screen. Am I that dangerous and scary, or what? 

“I work here as well. For two months now, so I’m still new but definitely not a stranger and not someone you think I am.” 

“How do you know what I think?” I sighed heavily. I do like Hammond but the one from the telly. Hadn’t chance to chat with him personally on private topics. Wish I had, but I'm not good with making friends just like that, I need time to acclimatize in a new place. And yes, I wanted some day to break ices and talk with great trio of the show but not like that. 

You know what they say about first impression? It’s  _first_ and can only be one. Guess we didn’t start well.  

“You want to call the police, maybe that's why.” I shrugged arms. “Anyway, I’m Hayley, new editor of The Grand Tour, who tries to do her job on Sunday because my workmate is sick and can’t come to work for next whole week. It means I have a lot technical stuff on my head you don't need to care about. If you call the cops, they'll waste my time as well as yours, and I will not end this stuff on time. That means you will have to change whole scenario for an episode because different clip would be put on final movie. Satisfied?” 

"No. You could've made this up right now." 

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" I growled. Didn't want to be unpleasant to Hammond but I really dislike when someone is disturbing me while editing. I took off my phone and dialled Andy Wilman's number. After few signals he picked up. "Hi Andy, it's Hayley Hunnam. Look, I have a situation... Hammond's here and he clearly thinks I'm some kind of burglar or whatever; he wants to call the police." 

Andy sighed heavily. "Give the phone to him, if you can." 

"Yeah, sure." Getting closer to Richard I reached out a hand and gave him my phone. "Talk with Andy, he'll explain everything you want to know about me. Just give my phone after. I'm getting back to work." 

Did as I said, couldn't focus again though. I was watching again what I've done already with films. Decent enough, people will like it for sure but I probably won’t hear ‘good job’. There is no place in a spotlights for technicians. Not that I care too much about it; it'd be just nice, if someone said 'you did a great thing editing this'. 

After five minutes or so, Hammond appeared next to me. Phone was put down on the desk and as I looked at man, he was smiling apologetically. It shouldn't feel so good, being right, but it does. 

"I do owe you an apology, you know." Was I hearing an insecurity in his voice? Double win. 

"Told you I work here." I smirked victoriously. 

He sat in a chair next to me. He was obviously interested in what was going on my computer screen. "I just didn't know you, that's all. Have to admit I don't come here often; usually I'm on my own office, or in James' while doing something on Drivetribe. So umm... you're an editor. How's work going in here?" 

"Pretty good as long as I'm not mistaken for a robber." I smiled slightly. Hammond made sorry face again. "I mean, really, love doing what I do here. And I quite like those three blokes from Amazon, they're funny, so it's double luck 'cause I've got the access to unseen footages." 

"Oh, like them too. One from Birmingham is definitely the best and funniest." 

"You mean the shortest one with whitened teeth? Yes, he's okay, I guess." I shrugged my arms. 

Hammond snorted pretending to be unbelievably hurt which made me laugh. He joined minute after. "I'm Richard Hammond by the way." The courtesy wasn't needed but I get where he was heading with it. 

"Hayley Hunnam, an editor not a burglar." We shook each other's hands and smiled. "Nice to finally meet a host of show I assemble. Now, what on earth are  _you_  doing here on Sunday?" 

"Needed to grab some private stuff I forgot to take, nothing special." 

We chat a bit as I was showing Richard what I've done with his segment for upcoming show. Not really sure if he was truly impressed, or pretending to be, though it was really nice to hear some kind words. It'd be stupid not to take the opportunity to show him some bloopers from Jeremy's latest review, so Hammond had a leverage on his friend. 

I realized an hour went so fast I didn't even notice, until Hammond said he has an appointment soon. I didn't want him to leave, conversation was floating easily, a lot better than between me and most of people I've met here as a newcomer. 

"Thanks for showing me what you do here. It's remarkable in some way." 

"And thank you for not calling the cops." I giggled. 

"I will apologize when I come up with an idea how to do it properly. Any suggests?" 

I titled my head and put a finger on my lips wondering in theatrical way. "I always wanted to own a white and black Bugatti Veyron. It'd be a nice apology gift." 

"See what I can do." Hammond grinned. "So, see you tomorrow, same place?" 

I nodded and just like that he was gone. Room was now emptier and quieter in a way I didn't like, and it felt too big and too scary for me. I need to end my task and go home as fast as I can. Silence I loved at the beginning as I entered the office became violent. 

* * * 

The thing is I hate traffics. And my hate is double when I oversleep on a days I should be the first one in the office. That was happening today. I have to immediately end latest segment to give it to Andy so he could approve the clip. And I was already late, hope he won't be angry too much. 

I stormed into the building saying quick and nervous 'hi' to co-workers as I was nearly running upstairs. Please, let it be no troubles, let everything go easy today and let the day be a bit longer, so I could finish my job in time. Just... please.  

As I entered the room everyone was staring at me with mischievous smiles on their faces. It felt really, really strange. I heard nothing but a friendly 'hello'. I sighed and put my coat on a hanger. Approaching my chair I saw there was a box, like shoes box. It had a small scribbled note on it. 

 _All apologies for my mistake. Hope this is enough for you to forgive me. Maybe you could edit out first five minutes of_ _our_ _conversation? The rest was_ _marvellous._ _~ R._  

At this point I didn't even know what to say. Wasn't expecting to receive a gift from Hammond. It wasn't needed. 

As I was opening the box all my friends in the room stopped doing their thing and were peeking over shoulders to see what's in a cardboard package. I furrowed when I saw the thing, then burst out with joyful laugh. 

Inside was a model of Bugatti Veyron. Bonnet of it was white as well as the back of the car; both sides with doors and a headlights were black. I took note out of a box and put it inside small car (door could’ve been opened!). Toy was placed near my desktop and for the rest of the day I couldn't help but smile every time I was looking at it. 

"Could you reveal the secret who mysterious R is?" Charlie, who is responsible for graphic designs, was pretty curious about my present. 

"Just small little fella I've recently met." I shrugged my arms. After taking a deep breath I opened files and started to working on them. 

It’s funny how one tiny thing can bright up your day. Especially when it’s surprise you’ve never expected to receive. But that’s how surprise works – you don’t know about them until you got one. 

I was wondering if I should thank Hammond for it, but there were so many things to do that day, and no time to talk with anyone about anything except upcoming The Grand Tour episode, and finishing stuff connected with it. Frank, other editor was sick with so high fever he had to go to hospital. The other one, Dave was on his honeymoon and even if he wanted to help, no way he’d be able to get his ass back to London. That means the office had just two editors for now: Jax, who has his experience with editing Top Gear, and me.  

We had twice more things to do in the same time as always. Trust me, after staring into the screen, watching the same shoots, listening to the same voice overs and dialogues over and over again for six to twelve hours might get you exhausted. At some point you just need to take a break. 

“I’m going for some tea, okay?” Jax nodded with a smile. 

“Umm, Hayley?” I looked at him as he stopped clicking for a moment. “Are you ending Jeremy’s review? Cause I’m not even in the middle of studio parts and I have on list James’ review which has to be done by the end of today. Won’t be able to make it, these studio records are screwed, something's wrong with two cameras. I tried to explain it with crew but... no results.” 

“Guess I have no choice, then. And at the beginning of the day I dared to think about ending up today a bit earlier.” I sighed with a bit of frustration. It was no-one’s fault to be honest but it’s next day in a row I won’t be home until late evening. “Uh, sorry Jax. Just... It’s a lot to do. You don’t have to explain yourself, I get we have an editing crisis. I assume you’ve got James’ voice over bits?” 

“No, I have not.” He looked at me with sorry eyes. “You have to go to him and ask for it. Idiots from studio have sent them on his email, not ours. Last time they mixed audio tunes, so sending it on different email is far better. Take my portable hard drive.” 

I snorted loudly. “I’ll be back in 15 or 20. Depends how fast I get the hearing with Minister, I mean Mister, Slow.” Jax was laughing when I walked out of the room. 

The great journey from our cubicle to May's office took longer than expected. Andy stopped me in the middle of the stairs, wanting to know if editing is going well, and if the most important stuff for now will be ended in time. I smiled sweetly at him reassuring it's fine, we will make it and the world won't be burnt to the ground. Inside my head quiet voice was squawking it's easier said than done. 

All wall of James' office was made with glass and everyone could see what he's doing there. He wasn't alone though. Jeremy and Richard were sitting next to him in front of his computer. At first sight the looked like searching something on the Internet. 

I knocked at the door but none of them heard it. Did it again with the same result. I quietly opened the door and stepped in closing them behind me. "Hello, I'm here to copy voice overs for Jam-" Way they looked at me somehow cut me off. I blinked rapidly few times. 

"Quick people! Any questions for an editor of the show?" Richard waved hand on me asking to come closer. Is it his way to introduce me? If yes, then it's awkward as hell, if not... even more awkward. What was going on? 

After several steps I was standing beside James and quick glance on the screen made me realize I'm actually there. On the screen. To be exact in live transmission on James' Facebook profile. At first I wanted to move away but it'd be stupid running like that. I leaned to May and silently explained why I'm here. He nodded.  

Hammond grabbed me be a sleeve of my hoodie. I ended up standing behind between him and James. "Oh! There is a question for you! Harry asks what do you do as an editor in here?" Richard  pointed on a screen to show where that comment was. I peeked over my shoulder to Jeremy waiting for some kind of blessing. I was already in front of camera, yes, but it wasn’t my show. 

The oldest one smiled reassuringly at me. "Usually I dance around the office in unicorn or dragon pyjamas and when I get tired I lay in the middle of the floor eating chocolate muffins, or watching cartoons with producers. Sometimes I pretend floor is a lava and no-one can't put feet on it. Typical editing stuff, you know." 

Jeremy snorted with laugh, James was laughing quietly and Richard furrowed trying not to laugh while talking. "Really?"  

"No. I'm an editor, I edit recorded videos." I rolled my eyes sighing deeply. 

"Something's wrong, I can't copy those files." James murmured under his nose. 

I pointed at laptop. "May I?" 

James stood up and we switched places. People could still see me on their computers or phones. 

"Fortunately he's May, not you." Whoa, whoa! We have comedian Richard over here. 

"You are aware this joke was incredibly..." I put hand to my mouth in gesture of wondering. "What's the word..?" 

"Rubbish." Both Jeremy and James have said in the same time. 

Guys were answering questions while I was trying to copy what I needed. I spoke few times when question turned out to be a technical one. And, of course, I was giggling every time they joked.  

After a battle with May's laptop it was time for me to go back to work. I couldn't just leave like that. Totally unladylike. "Sorry viewers you've been forced to look at me, I'm not funny like three old chaps. I do apologize." With shrugging my arms I stood up. 

“I would replace this two bollocks with you. At least I’d have beautiful girl for driving with instead of an old lady and a boy with too white teeth.” My cheeks went a bit pinker but I knew Jeremy would never ever replace his mates. Bond between them works on weird conditions people don’t understand but it’s clear they are true friends. 

“I have not my teeth whitened!” I could hear a bit of frustration in Hammond’s voice but deeper than that it was more friendly. “Anyway, I’d be better without you two doing the show with Hayley. She wouldn’t make stupid comments about my teeth that are not true at all.” 

“Who knows? Maybe I’d be even worse? You’ll never know.” I patted Richard on shoulder smiling. 

* * * 

Editing crisis was still above our heads. But it wasn’t just Jax and me, whole office was barely getting everything on time, and with upcoming days what-to-do-immediately list was drawing out. Except our stars, and crew that were needed in the tent, most of us were staying in London to prepare next parts of the show. It was more hectic than I could ever imagine it’d be, time was going too fast, problems were popping out of nowhere. I didn’t even remember when was the last time I came home before 9pm. Jax and I were nearly living in the office, including sleeping. We joked we’re going eventually but deeper than that it wasn’t really funny. 

Every single soul seemed to be nervous and irritated, so no-one tried to stand in anybody’s else way. Trying to be focused on next review to assemble I didn’t talk with anyone unless topic would be connected with editing, or pieces I had to have to go on with working. Big headphones on my head were doing their job including dampening the surrounding. 

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jax put down his headphones and took his phone. In one moment his smile disappeared and pain was crawling under his face. When he closed eyes and opened them I could see tears. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked as he put phone on the table and cover face with hand for a moment. “Jax, what’s going on?” 

“My mum... She... She had a heart attack.” I moved closer to him with my chair. Please, don't say the D-word. Please. “She’s in a hospital, stable for now but docs don’t know if she’s going to make through the night. My sisters are with her.” 

“I am so, so sorry, Jax.” I bit my lip. What am I suppose to say in situation like that? He’s good workmate, we had a pint few times and to be honest, he’s the closest one to a friend I have here. “Do the list of what you have to do with footages, leave everything on hard drive and go. I’ll end your part. Be with your mum.” 

“I can’t go out just like that. You know how much work is before us. I can’t leave-” 

“Yes, you can because I’m telling so. Do the list and go. I’ll find Andy and explain everything. Your mom is way more important that some stupid car show.” I smiled lightly. I already knew it’s going to end up with me staying here at least till midnight. I don’t care though and Jax wouldn’t be much of a use anyway. 

“Ar-are you serious?” 

“Yes. But if you’re not going to nod and get your ass out of here, I’ll change my mind in a minute.” He snorted quietly. “Seriously, go. She needs you.” 

He did the list in few minutes leaving me specific instructions. He patted my shoulder gently before leaving. “I owe you a big one.” 

Regular hours of working passed and I was left pretty much alone in the building. At first it wasn’t too bad, I kept focused on screen and edited three quarters of my own limit for the day. When I checked time it was 9pm. I sighed heavily and with great amount of frustration and exhaustion started next part. Fortunately the last thing I had on my list was adding voice overs. When I ended it was little before 11pm. 

It was simply too much for me when I checked Jax’s list. I knew I would regret letting him go but it was right thing to do. But why is everything crushing all at once with no warning? Isn’t there a limit for one person? 

After five minutes break I get back to work. Without any complaining my fingers were furiously tapping keyboard, eyes were following every process on the screen. I get sleepy after midnight and the only way to keep me awake was coldness, so I opened the window. I couldn’t help when tears were going down my cheeks. I just tried to work and ignore blurry vision. 

“Jesus Christ, why it’s so cold in here? You might freeze.” I wiped my face with sleeve of a hoodie and turned around in my chair. Hammond was standing there with slight smile on his lips. As I was looking at him all I wanted was to be hugged by him. I needed some comfort. “Why don’t you close the window? And why you’re here in the middle of the night?” 

I was aware my voice was weak from crying and my body was shaking out of cold. I didn’t care. “It’s the only way I won’t fall asleep. Have to edit so you could be funny bloke on telly.” 

His smile was gone. Hammond looked at me and those eyes went striking through my mind. “You’re crying?” 

“No, my eyes are just sweating.” Not-so-quiet sob escaped me. Oh God, that was so pathetic. 

“What happened?” Immediately he was on a chair next to me with his hand gently sliding up and down my arm. 

“It’s after midnight, I’m in the office working. What do you think might be wrong?” His touch was soothing, his voice was full of care, his eyes were seeing me through and here I was, being an asshole. “I mean... I’m sorry. I’m overwhelmed with this, I’m all alone in editing for I don’t know how long time. Crying is my way to get rid of frustration and being terribly tired. Didn’t want you to get offended, sorry.” 

“Easy dear, none was taken.” Hammond smiled sweetly and I knew this could be a cure for all the pain and illnesses all around the world. “Do you really have to be here now? Can’t you go home, get some sleep and end whatever there is tomorrow?” 

I shook my head and wiped face again. It was useless, salty drops were still going down out of corners of eyes. “Unfortunately no. We’re late with everything. Amazon wants full episodes a lot earlier. Jax and I barely made on time previous one and now it’s even worse, I’m all alone with that.” 

“Why is that? What about others?” 

I quickly explained how bad situation is, where boys are and how many pieces left to be done. “I talked with Andy, he’ll try to get Dave back but if he says no Andy’s going to hire someone temporary for a month or so. Still, it takes time to find good editor who has free full month. For now I have to do everything all by myself, though I’m still new here. I’m going to live in here for some time, don’t see any other option.” 

“Poor little thing.” He moved even closer, leaned and closed me in his arms. We both were sitting in chairs, angle was weird, it wasn’t really comfortable for neither of us, but I needed it so badly. I didn’t respond until his palms were slowly running up and down my back. Then I awkwardly hugged him back, shy at first but when I felt his scent it was so natural to hide my face in his shoulder. It was so natural to be held by him. 

Richard moved away when I wasn’t shaking anymore and my face was dry. Most of the tears soaked into his jacket but he didn’t mind. He looked me in the eyes and smiled. I must’ve looked ridiculous with bags under my lids, bloodshot eyes and face red from crying. 

“Better?” he asked calmly. His one hand was still on my arm stroking it slowly. My nod was an answer. “I’ll close the window, okay? You can’t sit here all night with opened one unless you want to get sick.” 

“Richard, I...” 

“I probably don’t have any chance to convince you to go home, so I’ll keep you company. Is that okay?” 

“Don’t mind but you should be home. Someone must wait for you. I don’t want to be a reason-” 

“No-one waits.” He shrugged his arms. At the same time I felt sad hearing this and relieved as well. Weird, isn't it? “Besides, I can help. I won’t let you fall asleep. The quickest you end making me funny on the screen, the fastest you’ll be able to actually sleep for at least two or three hours.” 

“I didn’t plan sleeping at all. My flat is like hour away from here, this is going to take at least three. The process isn’t fast. And, I want it or not, have to be here at 9am like everyone.” 

“So... It’s long night before us, huh?” 

“You should go home Hammond. I don’t want you to be a zombie in the morning because of me and my small crisis. I'll be fine now.” 

“Let’s just get back to work, ok?” What a stubborn bastard. 

He was sitting very close to me, watching what I was doing on the screen with big hungry eyes. I was explaining every thing I made and what kind of magic was happening with videos. It was a lot better with closed window and a company I could talk to. 

I shivered when Richard’s hand found its place on my back, scratching and stroking it gently. I turned my face to see he was staring at me. “Is it okay?” 

“Yes, feels nice actually. Feel free not to stop.” I smiled looking deep into the brown warm eyes. For a second I thought he was about to kiss me but it was stupid idea, he didn’t have a reason to. The thought was gone out of my head as fast as it appeared. 

Time was passing quickly but I enjoyed it. We’ve been chatting all the time. Hammond was telling me stories about his trips with James and Jeremy, how it was previously with Top Gear and how it’s with The Grand Tour now. How badly he screws his health during filming, how many times one of them ended in the hospital, and how many times Andy has been trying to kill them because of some inappropriate joke.  

I appreciated every single thing he has said but what was more important, Hammond’s hand never left my back during the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you find any mistakes that can't be stand - contact me! I'll be more than happy to see what I'm doing wrong.


	2. Awkward and unexpected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, umm... yes, second chapter.  
> At the beginning I planned to write just from Hayley's point of view but you know, plans can be changed. One chapter will be seeing through Hayley's, and next one through Richard's eyes. I'm probably rubbish at what-would-Richard-think but I'll keep trying.  
> Anyway, hope you'll like this so enjoy!

**Richard**

 

I parked the car, stepped out of it and was about to go to the office when I heard Jeremy's voice calling my name. He was smoking leaned against his car, and reached out a pocket with wide smirk when I approached. 

"Wanna fag?" 

I sighed heavily. "You know I've quitted. Don't tempt me." 

"Couldn’t resist." He took a long drag and exalted the smoke into my face. “Where have you been after walking out of pub?" 

"Monday or Wednesday?" 

"I drove you home on Monday so I know what you've been doing." I scratched my head trying to reconstruct how much I drank that night. There were just blurry flashes of what I was doing. I didn't remember being in the car with Jezza. I was at the pub drunk as hell playing darts with James. Then snap, I was laying in bed too intoxicated to take clothes off. 

"Sorry, I don't remember much." 

"Who would've thought." Clarkson burst out with laugh. It's not a secret I don't need to drink a lot to be drunk. "As much as I like our pub trips you should slow down a little with pouring alcohol into your veins. Or check if your brakes are fine cause for now it seems they're gone." 

"Yeah, thanks dad. Want to ground me?" I growled. He's probably worried and I am genuinely grateful for it but he drinks much as well. 

"I can't, but it'd be a good idea, though. I'm not telling you to definitely quit drinks but to limit it. Think about that." I nodded hoping he won't drag this topic. "The other option is to finally find a wife, a girlfriend at least. If you find a smart one, she'll keep you sane." 

"Says the man who had been divorced. Twice." I looked at him with a bit of anger. Constant jokes about me being single most of my life because 'I'm such a disappointing and boring man' was funny at the beginning. Even during the show we stopped putting that line in the script. It's not that I can't handle it in front of the audience, it's just... The more people say it, the more annoying it becomes. 

Jeremy was teasing, trying to push my buttons and start a ticking bomb. Being friend with him for over a decade did its work with getting to know each other. There are a lot secrets we know connected with the darkest moments of our lives. We do hurt each other in friendly way, if something like that exists. It's small needle pinning on nerves, a reminder that we care in our twisting logic. I'm fine with that. It's easier to show any kind of affection towards friends in humorous way. 

"And I'm not an alcoholic." He grinned. 

"Have you just said I am one?" 

"No, but you might be." For a moment I thought about last month and how often I've been too drunk to remember whole night. It was most of the times we ended in a pub, to be honest. But I don't have a problem with drinking, never had. Jeremy was exaggerating it. "You still didn't answer where have you been on Wednesday? You left about midnight saying you forgot something." 

I was thinking for a minute but answer was easy. That was the night spent with Hayley. I snorted when it came how suggestive that thought was. 

"Yeah, left keys in here, had to go back. Thought about getting a taxi but walk was a better option. I sobered up on the way and just... stayed." 

"Where? In the office?" 

"Yes, what's wrong with that?" 

"No-one sober would want to stay the night in the office." 

"I wasn't alone." 

Jeremy's eyes went as big as possible. He opened mouth and tried to say something but gave up. The way he was looking at me, oh boy, it felt so good knowing I have a little bit power over him. Jeremy hates not knowing something, he hates when somebody else has more information. He knows there's no way to control everything and everyone; still, he hates that. I was fully aware what was in his dirty mind. Yep, did it on purpose. Evil and bad me. 

I was smirking widely trying not to laugh. Jeremy kept looking at me suspiciously when James arrived and parked on next free spot. "James, James! Our dear friend finally got laid. Bad news is it was on our desks!" 

"What? I don't remember him at my house copulating on my table, or anywhere there, really." I shook hands with May. 

“I meant here, in the office!” Jeremy rolled eyes. 

"Have you invited a hooker into the office?" James snorted. 

"How desperate you think I am?" I rolled my eyes. My friends gave each other a meaningful look. "Ok, don’t answer that. I'm going to make this clear: I'm not that desperately desperate to pay for sex some woman who have done it with thousands guys before and going to do with thousand more. Jesus, who do you think I am? Don't answer that either." 

They started laughing and I tried my best not to join them but smile formed itself on my face. From time to time I've been thinking how the three of us actually work without killing each other. 

"So who is she?" 

"I'm not telling you that, Clarkson." He opened his mouth to say something, but I was quicker. "And don't give me bullshit about trust, you know I hate it, and it's not about that. I give you just a name, and somehow you'll find her, ask billion of questions and then mock me. Well, you're gonna mock me about it for next whole week, I'm more than sure, but don't want her going through the same." 

"You honestly think I would do that? Mock with her?" 

"Yes." May answered instead of me, chuckling quietly. 

"Jaaaaaames! On which side you are?" Clarkson made weird face, probably thinking he looks hurt. It was more like a pout when somebody made you eat a dish you hate. "You both are unfair. If she was sober enough-" 

"She was." I interjected. 

"-and wasn’t forced to stay, or drugged, and she stayed all night, I'd ask her to marry you. I would even pay for her wedding dress, or something." 

I rubbed my face and wined. "Don't get back to 'finding me a girlfriend' topic. You've done it once, get me into a blind date and I still want to kill you for that." 

"And I still don't understand how could you not fall in love with Martha." 

There was a time when I bent and agreed to Clarkson's stupid, as always, idea. It was after some wedding we've both been invited. Jeremy showed up with his second wife, and I went there alone. I was having fun but an ape decided it was otherwise, and the reason was lack of partner. He was insisting to help me, though I had a bad feeling about this. Guess what? I was damn right.  

Beside the beauty, had to admit Martha was a gorgeous woman, she was... boring. What's worse, she was a dentist. Don't mind that, but for more than half of a date she was blabbering about her patients and about Jeremy not lying I have great teeth. When I heard my jaw is one of kind for fifth time in a row, I realized it wasn't a need to help me, Jeremy wanted just to do some prank. 

"Martha? That dentist?" James put a hand to his mouth trying not to laugh too hard when I nodded. Guess I'll consider killing Jeremy for that once again. He deserves a painful and slow death. 

"I'll find a way to make you tell me." Right now Jeremy was doing his smug face and it was creepy as hell. Why people like that expression..? "Or better, I'll find the girl." 

"Go ahead." I sighed. 

"Anyway, who's car is that?" Jeremy pointed at new and shiny Honda CR-V few parking spots further. "Don't recognize it." 

I was staring at black SUV and couldn't recognize it either. 

"It's Hayley's." I looked at James at first, then at Jeremy who’s eyes were betraying he still had no idea about who May was talking. "Hayley, the cute short blonde with nice ass? Our new editor, she visited us while doing live transmission." 

"Oooh, yes that one. I know now." Jeremy smiled like he was watching a memory inside his head again. "God, she does have a nice ass. Too bad most of the times I see her she’s wearing a hoodie or baggy T-shirts and I can’t tell what size her breasts are. What a shame." I furrowed but said nothing. Clarkson’s comment sounded so rude, didn’t it? May's expressions said he wasn't offended by that, so it was only me who thought our friend’s words were inappropriate. "How old is she? Looks like she's in her twenties." 

"She's 34 actually." There was a bit of unbelieve in my eyes for sure. I quickly glanced at Jezza, he had the same expression on his face as I had. How the hell May knows this? Don’t remember James talking with Hayley, don’t remember him telling he did. Don’t remember _her_ mentioning she did. On the other hand I chatted with her only two or three times. “What? I talk with people. And she’s really sweet and nice, still feels like newcomer, little insecure. It’s been, as far as I remember, two moths or so since she has joined the team. Have to admit, she’s damn good. I asked her to make few varieties of my review, I just wasn’t sure what’s going to be better. She asked what I wanted to have there, I explained and she just did it, though this time I wasn’t so specific and informed about every detail. First one was already perfect.” 

“May, please tell me, are you in love with her?” Jeremy smiled wildly. 

The Spanner sighed with a smile and ignored the question. But something was, I don’t know, mysterious about this little grin. And it was bothering me somehow. “Actually I asked her for a pint.” 

I think my jaw was laying on the ground now. I blinked rapidly few times trying to come up with some sarcastic response but my voice has just died. I mean, whaaaat? James asked her out? Is it really our James who loves details and is crazy about procedures? Is it really him? 

Don’t get me wrong, May could always get ladies wrapped around his finger, cause most of them are taking his wise and knowledge as a sexy thing. But he isn’t really a type of a boy who wants to score every woman. For long time he's been in a relationship and took it seriously, but it ended few moths ago. He admitted himself it’s going to take a while to heal after and he'll try rebuild what he used to had. Now a coming out with that was... unexpected. 

“What did she say?” Clarkson seemed to be intrigued as well. Like I said, what May did wasn’t really his thing.  

“She accepted my offer, though it’s not the right time. It’s a lot work on her shoulders. But she said it’ll definitely happen, a pint I mean.” 

“Can’t believe she said yes.” I blurted out. “Are you sure she did? Maybe she was just being polite and didn’t know how to say no?” Why does it sounded so weird to me? I shouldn’t mind but somehow I couldn’t picture her with James sitting in some pub, drinking beer, talking about everything and nothing, smiling at each other, holding hands, kissing him after driving her home, inviting him inside and- 

 _Oh, dear God, stop it._ _Please brain, just stop it. You can’t do this to me, if you_ _want me to get through whole day of working without hitting my head on the wall._  

“Hammond!” Clarkson’s voice woke me up from thinking. “We’re getting inside. You coming?” 

“Yes, yes, I am. Just... zoned out. We’re all fine, my brain is working now.” I smiled at my friends and followed them to the entrance. 

I couldn’t really focus of doing research. My head was giving me a hard time while trying to figure out why Hayley agreed to go out with James. And why he asked her. And why am I actually thinking about it. 

* * * 

It's been a long day. A lot writing happened, script discussing, changing everything and getting back to previous ideas few times in a row, making fun with people in the office – typical day at work. I was so much into making a new article to Drivetribe, I totally forgot about passing time. When I ended, it was getting dark outside and all of the workers were already gone. 

I packed my things and put jacket on. I stopped at the top of the stairs and looked down the hall. Room where all editors and graphic designer used to work was all empty and dark now. Weird. We're in the middle of recording studio parts, so for technicians it’s really hectic season, and some of them work till late evenings hours. 

The night with Hayley popped up in my mind. Gosh, she was really weighed down by responsibilities. The exhaustion was floating around her body like thin mist. Hope she, or any other graphic designer didn't have to stay here in the night to end whatever they had to. 

Cold wind hit me when I closed office door behind. And it's going to be even colder cause we’re going to Finland tomorrow. As much as I like english weather and I'm fine with the wind and a little bit of rain, I don't like freezing cold. I've got enough after getting to North Pole, though it was years ago. Too much snow and too low temperature don't do good for me. 

After unlocking my Porche, throwing my stuff at passenger’s seat, I closed door and put hands on a wheel. In that exact second something got me. A feeling when you just know you’re not seeing something you should, because it’s obvious as a fact that sun’s is rising on the east. This is quite annoying thing. 

I sank into the seat with heavy sigh full of frustration. “What this time I forgot?” 

I reached for a bag but hand stopped in the middle of the distance. No, it wasn’t that, couldn’t be. Keys were in the inside pocket, laptop and wallet on seat next to me; there was no need to take anything else from the building, the most important stuff was saved on computer. Then what the hell was I missing?  

“Think Richard, think.” 

After five minutes of tapping my fingers on the wheel I decided to give up and start the engine. Vehicle roared happily which made me smile. Handbrake down, first gear, a little bit of gas and I can go home. I looked to the left and right, and my synapses clicked. Finally!  

“Hayley..?” Black SUV was parked nearby. Someone was on the other side, half hidden inside. My first though was Hayley, well, cause it’s her car but it was quite dark, I couldn’t be sure. 

I stepped out of my toy and realized if it wasn't her but a thief, I didn’t have any weapon and fists could be my only defence. Better than nothing, but I felt a little nervous. Luckily it was her, putting or maybe taking something from the backseats. “Going home?” She said something I couldn’t understand, turned around and quickly shut the door. 

“Don’t do this again, you’ve frightened me.” Her eyes showed that she indeed was scared.  

“It wasn’t my intention, trust me.” Hayley smiled but it wasn’t really honest, like she was trying to hid from me... Nervousness? Tiredness? Maybe the fact she didn’t tell me about agreeing to go out with May? 

 _Oh_ _, slow down_ _Hammond. You’re not her... anything to be_ _honest,_ _beside being a workmate_ _._ _S_ _he has no reason to tell you_ _with who she’s seeing_ _and when._ _It’s her business, not yours. Keep yourself calm, boy._  

My inner reasonable voice was right, no doubt about it. But... But Hayley was quite strange. Guess she didn’t expect me to stay here till the evening. Can't blame her. Usually I leave the office with Clarkson and May, go to pub or straight to home. I'm not a person who wants to be in the big city for too long. Too much people, too much traffics and not enough space. I like to see horizon surrounded by forests, open fields or sea, not by skyscrapers. It makes me claustrophobic. 

“Yeah, I do, I’m just... Just tired.” I nodded. Her smile has changed into sorry one. “I’ll better get going.” 

“It’s pretty good idea.” It took few seconds until I realized it might have sounded rude. I was tired too, and there might be bitterness in my voice. “I mean, it’s good you’re going home to rest and get some sleep, not that I want you gone. I mean, I do want you to sleep, eat healthy and do stuff but don’t be gone. I mean- Fuck. I’m terrible at this. Sorry.” Hope she wasn't able to see blush on my face. 

“It’s fine, I understand what you’re trying to say.” At least my attempts of explaining made her chuckle. I opened the front door for her and she slipped into the car. “Thanks Hammond. You should go home as well. You know, to get some rest and sleep.” 

She couldn’t hide a little of irony in her voice. “I apologized, don’t laugh at me.” 

“Couldn’t resist. Anyway, drive safe and sleep well, yes?” 

We said goodbyes one more time and I get back to my car. When I was leaving parking lot Hayley was still there. She turned the engine as well as headlights, and were looking at her phone. I wanted to waved but she wouldn’t see it. 

I hit the road with a smile on my lips, though I didn’t know it was there. About 15 minutes till reaching my flat in London strange feeling got me. Again. Just like previous one on the parking lot. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it and simply go home, I couldn’t. It was creeping inside me like a spider and unpleasant shivers went down my spine. Something was telling me to go back to the office. I didn’t know what was it, it just was. 

 _What are you even doing_ , I though turning back in the nearest cross. I’ve never had a good intuition, not that I cared too much, but right now the thought that bad things might have happened were unbearable. 

"What the fuck?" When I was on final straight and could see our office as well as parking, immediately I saw a car there. Black SUV to be exact. 

Have you ever played a horror computer game? Do you remember that moment when creepy music is playing, screen is dark, almost black, you can hear shallow and faster breathing of a character you control and you just know something scary will jump out of the corner trying to kill you. Despite the awareness it's just a game that can be turned off in any moment, you are scared. You feel unpleasant tickling in stomach, swallow hardly, breath heavily, feel adrenaline rushing in veins and heart beating so damn fast. And at the same time you are determined to go forward and discover whatever the hell is around that corner. 

That's how I felt shutting door and nearly running to Hayley's car. 

My mind was picturing, of course, the most horrific and dreadful scenarios of what might have happened. I could bet my heart was in my throat when I quickly glanced at the building and discovered no lights were on. It meant no-one was there, at least no-one good.  

Approaching the vehicle and looking inside through the window I saw Hayley on passenger's seat. Curled into little ball under the blanket on unfolded seat, earphones on, hair on face and asleep. She looked so tiny there. 

Not bothering myself with thinking I tried to open the door but it was closed. I knocked on the glass lightly with no response, so second time did it harder. Her head went up and seeing my face she's got paralyzed. She took keys, clicked something and door was opened. 

"I didn't plan to be caught like that, Hammond. You were suppose to go home." 

"So were you." She put shoes on, stepped out of a car and leaned against it, still wrapped with blanket. "Then why you're here?" 

She looked somewhere far,  like she was seeing through the walls,  like something was way more important than me. "Why _you_ drove back?" 

"I- I had a- Hey, it's rude answering a question with another question." 

"It's rude starting to answer a question and not ending the answer." She snorted. 

"Yeah, I... Well, yes, you're right." I moved closer so our shoulders were brushing each other. "Something's wrong? If you don't have a place to sleep I can take you to my flat. It's not far from here. I have a shower and comfy bed. Or a couch." 

Hayley raised head and cocked it at one side. Little smile was playing on her lips. "Are you inviting me to your place? Because, well, despite I am flattered by your offer, taking it from a stranger on impropriety scale 1 to 10 is at least... 15." 

"Technically I'm not a stranger."  

"Cause I know your name?" 

"Cause we work together. But yes, knowing my name works as well." 

"Ok, so instead of 15 it's 12." She chuckled. 

"What? Only three points for working with each other?" 

"It's only two actually, one is for knowing your name." 

I made few steps away from her and run my fingers through hair. She furrowed giving me cute innocent face. "I have never been that insulted in my entire life. Just one – _one_ – point for knowing my name? I'm the damn host of a car show, working for Amazon and-" 

"Exactly. It made you famous, most of this country and probably a lot people all around the world know your name. I've known it before I even started a job here." 

"Fair enough." She nodded really enthusiastically with huge grin. I move back and rested one side of my body on SUV. Hayley's eyes were following me but she became shy a little. "Let's get back to my question, why you're not home? Please, don’t brush me off, I'm curious and, umm... worried." 

"Don't be. Worried, I mean. Curiosity is good when you're a journalist." She took a deep breath preparing herself to tell something, but a second her mouth opened she shook head and smiled sadly.  

"Hey, if there's anything wrong and you don't have a place to sleep, I can help. There's always a way out of troubles, you know." 

"It's sweet you're worried about someone you don't even know. And I-uhhh... Thanks for that, Richard." She shifted herself to face me and smiled, though it wasn't sad or bitter, it was pure and simply thankful. I smiled back. "Normally I wouldn't explain myself but you are... You're the first person in quite long time that admitted... Well... Nevermind. Anyway, I'm not going home, cause I have to edit your show, it's still a lot to be done in so little time. Think I told you my house is hour away from here and I can't waste that much time driving there and back." 

"So you sleep in car?" She confirmed with a quick nod. "When was the last time you were at home?" 

"Tuesday, I think. Oh, wait, no. Monday evening. I came back here before midnight. Something like that." 

"You do realize it's Wednesday evening..?" 

"I do, yeah." 

"It's nearly fifty hours, Hayley! Are you out of your mind?" 

"I'm afraid you're crossing some line, Hammond. You drove back here, woke me up, keep questioning me and now raising your voice." The way she looked at me with some anger and frustration gave me unpleasant shivers. Didn't mean to piss her off, which I assume I did, but her voice was calm. "I'm glad you're worried, it's nice feeling, have to admit, but don't use that tone. I'm not a child and know what I'm doing." 

"You're messing up your health." 

"Look, I've been in those shoes few times, I know I can do it. Christmas is coming, there will be plenty of time to chill out. I'm gonna be okay, trust me. In fact, you should be happy I do sleep at all, I could sit in front of the computer two or three days in a row, without the smallest nap. And before you protest, I do take some naps."  

"But you can’t go on like that. You’re already looking like big mess, you might turn into a wreck until Christmas.” Ok, maybe I’m not the right person to say it with all journeys with Top Gear and The Grand Tour behind me; we indeed slept few times in cars but it was all planned, or we didn’t have a choice being in the middle of nowhere. It’s never been that we couldn’t waste two or three hours. We always could, if we wanted. But maybe Hayley’s job doesn’t leave a choice? 

“Wow. I’m like- Wow, Hammond. You do know how to complement woman.” 

Fuck. Why am so awkward talking with her? Jesus, I am so stupid saying that. What the hell is wrong with me? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

“I am so sorry-” 

“Do you want to help me?” Couldn’t force voice to cooperate but maybe it’s better considering what I’ve said. I nodded as I felt some kind of nervousness. 

She unwrapped herself out of blanket. God, she was wearing just a T-shirt, quite tight, and not knowing why, Clarkson’s comment about her breasts came to my mind. I felt how blush was starting to show up on my neck and finally on my cheeks. I know I shouldn’t do it but irritating Jeremy’s voice was going on and on, and I just couldn’t help but look at _her_.  

“Hug me, please?” She was standing there with opened arms, waiting. And I was... shocked. Thought she’d send me to hell after my stupid comments; I wasn’t expecting that. 

Blinking rapidly I was trying to connect my nerves with brain and muscles to literally make a move. It wasn’t so easy as it seemed. She bit her lip and cocked head little, watching me carefully. Even if I hurt her with my words seconds ago, there was no trace of it. Hayley seemed to be calm, and definitely patient as I was staring at her not knowing how to move.  

I looked away trying to find proper words. When put my eyes on woman and her eyes met mine, I closed gap between us. Reaching arms towards her and putting them under soft material I wrapped myself around her waist. Her palms were put on my shoulders, so I could be under blanket too. 

Our chests were pressed against one another firmly, I could feel heat radiating from her body. I let go a deep breath I didn’t know I was holding. From movements of her chest I could tell she did the same after hiding her face in the crock of my neck. 

Hayley was shorter than me, not much though, but it gave me great opportunity to kiss her temple gently without bending. 

“That was nice, unnecessary though.” Electric shiver run down my spine. Bet her lips were inches away from my skin, I could feel her hot breath, her voice vibrating and echoing against my neck. “You’re not really good at talking with girls, are you?” 

“I’m sorry. Never meant to offend you.” I murmured into her hair. 

“Don’t be, because you’re right.” She tried to get closer, so I tightened my grip and started slowly stroking her back with one hand. “I am wreck a little; might not look but feel like one for sure. Working with such show as this one is very intense. More intense than what I used to do. But I’ll handle that and after a while I’m going to be all right." She chuckled quietly. "God, you’re warmer than my blanket.”  

“I can stay with you here, be a heater or something. I’m good at keeping you company, I hope I am.” 

“You are, yes.” She moved head away from mine which was oddly disturbing. “Not tonight, though. Go home Richard.” 

“Sure?” 

“Yes. You’re flying to Finland tomorrow, don’t want you to be broken because of sleeping in my car, or staying awake. What if a reindeer attacks you? You won’t be able to defend, and I won’t bear the though I’m the reason.” 

“I have an ape to fight instead of me.” She grinned and kissed my cheek gently, barley touching skin with her mouth. 

“Thanks again, Hammond.” She made a step back; it forced me to let her go but surprisingly I didn’t want to get separated. It’s weird, it was just a hug, wasn’t it? “For all the times you sacrificed yourself and stayed with me. And for the Bugatti. It’s perfect.” 

“You asked for it.” I smiled. Didn’t know what to do with my hands now when Hayley was away. 

“Can you... Can you not tell anyone I'm sleeping in a car? It’s not a thing to brag with, so...” 

“Get it. I won’t.” 

When I was leaving parking lot I promised to myself I have to do something about it. It’s unbelievable Hayley was alone as an editor for now and couldn’t normally go home. We shouldn’t work like that as a whole. She’s doing so much, taking that job over everything. Day off would do her good but first I have to find a way to force her to stay home. 

_Think Hammond, think._


	3. Help or harm?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there.  
> Another chapter for you, yaaaaay.  
> I'm having so much things on my shoulders I don't know how to find time for writing but somehow I do. 
> 
> Oh, and happy birthday to Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson! ❤️

**Hayley**

 

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and sighed. I slept for a few hours last night, so my eyes weren't red, though bags under lids were still visible.  

Never been girlish through entire life, always wanted to wear hoodies or t-shirts, jeans and boots over floral, gauzy dresses and high heels. My preferences with clothes went hand in hand with not having too good make up skills. Used to not wearing one, but someday I thought it's fine time to be a little more woman than a tomboy. Even now, in my thirties, I wasn't really a big fan of having too much cosmetics on face. My sponge bag consisted of some creams, powder, not too much eyeshadows, eyeliner, mascara, concealer and few lipsticks. 

And I dare to name myself a woman, right? 

Guess I just don't need it. But I'm definitely not a weenie-ass at make-up. My face wasn't looking as grey and dreary as it really was, and despite real exhaustion in eyes I looked just tired, not knackered. 

After leaving small toilet in the office I was walking through the hallway to our room when somebody put heavy arm around my shoulder. Low and manly voice greeted me with whispering in my ear. "Hi, sweetheart. Missed me?"  

"Dave! Don't do this ever again!" His tone was damn creepy and he was fully aware of it. Bastard. 

"But you love it!" 

Cheeky smile on his face was telling me he was happy to be back. I smiled and finally we hugged each other friendly. "So good you're here. A little earlier than was planned, huh?" 

"You know, I was visited by a peon with a message Grand Tour technician princess needs a rescue. Here I am, ready to save you. Didn't bring white horse, hope you don't mind." 

"Next time I'll record what you're talking and send this to your _new_ wife. She might be interested in these." 

"Hey, don't be rude! I've just came back from my honeymoon sooner just for you." He winked at me and the only reasonable answer I could give was punching his arm.  

From the first time I met Dave he used to act like that - sweet and charming boy, always full of optimism. We both attended some editors course together where we met. Girls were always around him as long as Dave was... well, himself like now. Somehow that tail full of womanly pheromones hadn't been encouraging me to get to know with him. For some time we forgot about each other, then next job happened; it turned out we were working for the same tv station. It wasn't the same programme, we weren't sharing room but we started to keep company to each other while lunches one or two times per week. Then I quitted, had few temporary side-lines and finally ended with The Grand Tour. He was already employed here and it was good to have one similar face around strangers, even if we weren't friends and it wasn't easy for me to have friendly conversations after long break.  

Dave's not a person I could share secrets with but we joke around and laugh a lot, though it's just two months since I'm here. The process of turning into friends is slowly evolving with each day; if we keep working together, one day we might become good mates. 

Funny thing, I was little closer to Jax. Probably it's caused by him having much more experience than me, and when I'm not sure about something he's the first person I ask. And for some time it was just two of us siting in the office and editing show. After ill-fated phone from his sister he took a few days off. Then asked for free week, cause his mom was in really bad condition. Andy wouldn't let him go for that long but I agreed, said Jax wasn't really capable of working when his parent nearly died. He was back today, maybe not in the best mood, but good enough to focus on his tasks. 

"How are Jax and Frank?" Dave's arm was still around my shoulder as we were walking to our room. I sighed and smiled sadly. 

"Frank is doing okay. He visited us yesterday with some medical papers for Andy. He'll be back in two or three days. Pneumonia was really nasty and now he looks peaky." I didn't know Frank much, he was okay. My editing path never crossed with his, but from what he was doing here I can tell one thing – he is damn good. He was usually checking on us after done part; he has a gift of seeing all the details, all the smallest things that people normally don't even care for. But The Grand Tour wants – and _is_ – high quality, and every pixel has to be perfect. "And Jax... He's a bit broken but from what he told me his mum is okay now. Have to recover and get some strength. His sisters made some schedule, so someone is always with her. Jax has a lot of free days before Christmas, it's going to be hectic. And I- I'm quite lying him about work." 

"What you mean?"  

"I told there's a lot to do but it's, you know, not even one third of what is actually in queue. I know he knows I'm lying, but I just... after what happened I can't overload him with all of this." I bit my lip. I saw Hammond on the other end of the hall. He was getting closer and closer, and I smiled unwittingly. 

"I think my little Hayley has a thing for Jaaaaaaaaax." Hammond was passing us when Dave said those words. "Hello, Mr. Hammond! What a b-e-a-utiful day, isn't it? Love is in the air!" I threw off his arm and hit him on the back.  

"Good to see you too." They shook hands. "Weren't you suppose to be on honeymoon for week or so more?" 

"That is correct. But-" Dave sent me a meaningful look and I knew what was coming. I shook my head. "The nature made me a knight and my sweet princess needs some help. Had to get back." 

"Princess? Does your wife know you have a princess here?" 

"She does, yes. My wife is my queen, Hayley's princess." 

I made gutted face. "What kind of fucked up experiment it was, if I'm your princess? With all fairy tales logic it means you're my dad. Eeeeeew!" 

"I didn't mean literally!" Dave and I burst with laugh while Hammond was looking at us like we were a little mental. 

“Ok, it’s getting weird, I have work to do, so it’s the best moment for me to leave.” 

“Hayley, you’ve just disguised our dear Richard. What kind of person are you?” Hammond laughed. I wanted to say something but Dave didn’t let me. “And don’t pretend you’re not trying to avoid talking about your new crush.” I felt something unpleasant in my throat as I swallowed. Something hard and bitter, and at the same time sharp, trying to cut me all over on the inside. “I’m telling you Hammond, love is in the air.” 

Smile dropped from Richard’s face but just for one second. It came back immediately, but I couldn’t help the feeling it was fake. “You’ll never know when it hits you, right?” He looked at me and there was something disturbing in his big brown eyes, didn’t know what. 

Hammond went his way and Dave with me finally entered our room. Everyone exchanged their greetings with (sort of) prodigal son and we got back to work. It was damn good feeling - knowing I don’t have to stay over midnight, or hide the fact I’m sleeping in car. There wasn’t so much pressure which made me calmer, thanks God. Editing became more joyful and easier that day. 

Two hours later I was in the middle of adding colours on studio parts when Andy walked in. He stopped next to me asking with gesture to took of headphones. 

“I need a favour.” 

“Whatever it is Andy.” I smiled. From the first time I met Wilman I liked him. Always polite, great manners, subtle sense of humour – having small conversation with him wasn’t feeling forced or awkward. Of course, he isn’t the only one to pull strings here, but he is a producer and a boss. He expects putting whole heart into working and he's the first who puts own one. Andy really loves his job; it makes me love mine more.  

“Could you give whatever is being edited to Dave or Jax and come to my office? We need to talk.” I froze. Whispers from other side, where graphic designers were sitting, went quiet and I could feel all the looks on me. 

Why sentence ‘we have to talk' sounds so bad and horrific every fucking time someone says it? It rarely means good thing. 

“I’m in the middle of it-” 

“I can’t really wait, it’s important Hayley.” 

“Yeah, okay, I’ll be in yours in five.” 

Andy smiled. “Great. You know where to find me.” I nodded and when he was gone I took a deep breath.  

After explaining Dave what have just happened, and to be honest I didn’t really know, I gave him all files and project. He asked me if something bad has been going on while his absence but I didn’t know that either. Yes, there was a crisis, editing was a chaos I tried to tamed, more and more pieces were dangerously balancing on the edge but nothing was smashed or burnt to the ground. I thought I was rather doing well. Except the sleeping in a parking lot part.  

Walking down to Andy’s room was wondering what did I do wrong, what was messed up. You know that feeling, right? When you could bet with anyone you didn’t do anything bad, you’ve been working your ass off for long time and you should receive a pay rise with some cool benefits from employer. But at the same time you’re nervous and feel unpleasant shivers, and then there’s some quiet but heady enough voice in your head which tells that maybe, just maybe you’re not as good at what you do as you’ve been thinking. Maybe reality verified it brutally and turns out you’re not in the right shoes.  

When I entered the room I was hoping it’ll be at least half less serious than I thought. Didn’t want to hear I screwed some videos and company has problems because of me now. 

“Please sit Hayley.” Did as I was told in silence. Felt like was about to hear I’m accused of murder or rape, or something equally horrible. “I don’t know how to start, it’s serious.” Oh dear God, just kill me or my beating definitely too fast heart will. “How are you feeling? Everything’s okay?” 

After preparing myself to hear the worst thing in my life I was slightly taken aback with such concern. “I’m... I’m fine, I guess. Why?” 

“Just worried. It’s been hell of responsibilities on you lately, and you’ve done almost everything what was supposed to be done in time. That’s impressive. But I was informed you’re putting job over yourself. The company, whole crew and me, we do appreciate your passion and devotion but you can’t go on like that.” 

"I'm afraid I don't get what you're talking about. Did I do something wrong?" 

"Depends on how you look at it." Did he..? Did he just winked? I'm going to pretend he didn't and it's just my imagination because of being stressed. "I'm sending you home for two days. I don't want to be unkind, but you look awfully bone-tired. Won't hide the fact we need you here; Americans are really impatient about this show but I'm not letting their caprices over people's health."  

“Wait, you aren't firing me?” 

“Firing? What? No!” Andy started laughing joyfully. That disorientated me as hell. Wish I was smarter or able to read people's minds. For now I had no idea what was going on. Two days off? Why? Must've looked ridiculous trying to figure that out because Andy was laughing even more. "Guys would kill me if I fired someone who does so much. Working with Jeremy is enough terror, I don't need editors' strike for taking away one of them." I run my fingers through hair as I was trying to sort out this in head.  

Thinking process is like editing when you try to put things on right places. But thinking is much harder job to do. 

"As a producer you must know how much pieces left to be edited and you know it's not going to take five minutes. Why you sending me home?" Confusion was filling my head more and more with each second, and I wanted to understand. "If I didn't do anything wrong and, in fact, you admitted I'm needed here, then why you're sending me off?" 

"Hayley, I know how you've been working lately." Wilman looked me directly in the eyes; his laugh died and changed into sad smile. Concern he was showing was on one hand nice and let some weird warmness spread in my body. On the other it was quite strange. "You probably think how sneaky you are, but it wasn't really hard to find out you're staying nights here and sleep in car. Also, I had a chat with Jax, showed him what you've already done and he told me there was no way you could end that much working here just eight or ten hours every day. Constantly sacrificing own health and being that much awake won't do good."  

I didn't know what to say and I couldn't admit he was right. Changing day routine wasn't the best thing to do to myself; lack of sleep was making me exhausted and weaker. But I knew I could handle that. And there was a voice inside telling me I can't just go home and leave so much on boys' shoulders. That's my feature – can't leave work in the middle. Don't know if it's good or bad, but I can't walk away from my responsibilities. I'm an adult. Or at least I'm trying to act like one. 

"What if I'm not going?" 

"Well, then I can fire you for contumaciousness toward supervisor." 

My mouth were opened for at least five minutes. "You wouldn't do it." 

"I would." I sized Wilman up and he wasn't joking. Beside the smile on his lips and neighbourly glints in eyes he was serious. "Don't get me wrong Hayley. Neither me or anyone in the office wants you gone _but_ as a boss it'd be stupid to let you overwork yourself. Go home, get some sleep and get as much rest as you need. Come back in two days all shiny, happy and refreshed." Andy's tone left no space to protest. I could argue with him all day about it but it's pointless, he's the boss and, like it or not, is right. 

"If you knew what was going on, why didn't you tell or send me on layoff earlier? I was worse before, now Jax and Dave are back, I wouldn't stay that late anymore." 

Wilman leaned against his chair and sighed. "First of all, it's not a layoff, you'll be payed for that days too. Second, was considering that earlier." 

"But?" 

"But you're a grown up woman, can decide on your own." 

"Then why you're not letting me be a grown up now? Don't you see it's, you know, purposeless? Like I said, guys are back, I won't stay here all night. I promise." Knew I was sounding like child but couldn't help it. Job is really important to me and it keeps me sane at some point.  

Andy snorted mirthfully. "Tell me why you want to stay so much? I'm giving you two days just for yourself. Anyone would take it without a word and be gone minute after walking out of here. You're different, why?" 

"I... I just..." Hands were hidden in pockets on my hoodie. The lack of words was obtrusive. Or maybe it wasn't lack of them but aversion of not telling the truth. "It's just me, ok? I hate leaving my work undone." Finally looking at my boss I smiled, hoping it'll convince him. "You want me to feel bad I'm leaving Jax and Dave with half-way piece?" 

"You want me to feel bad I'm letting destroy your own health?" 

"Damn, you're too good at this." I could go on like that all day but it'd be Andy's last word, not mine. 

"Look, I would let you stay, but I got the message and-" 

"Wait. You were informed, right?" A little hesitant nod was his answer. I squinted my eyes, always do this when my brain hits the top gear, then it clicked. "Hammond told you..?" It was more statement than question. Wilman was quiet but his silence told me more than his words would. "Jax could only guess I'm staying the nights, never spoke with him about it." I sighed heavily. "Of course it was Hammond." I turned around and walked to door. 

"He's worried and-" 

"He doesn't even know me, so he shouldn't." Before closing the door behind me I smiled at Wilman. "So, umm, see you in two days, I guess. Just don't do something like that ever again. Please. At last, I'm grown up woman." His warm smile was a goodbye. 

I got back to our room, packed my bag and put jacket on. Dave was curious what have happened but I was very not in the mood to tell anything. He squeezed up information I had a layoff and questioned why. 

"Ask Andy." I mumbled quietly. _Or Hammond._  

I was nearly on stairs when I saw Hammond in his office talking with Clarkson. Little traitor. Looking down I was thinking should I punch him for braking the promise. Let's see pros and cons first. He might be really worried and that's sweet, even though he doesn't know me; on the other hand shouldn't break promises, if he tries to gain some trust. He wanted to do a good thing but it was done behind my back. I was grateful for him staying with me but he promised. And he broke it. It's not so big deal, maybe even not a real promise, but somehow it's small stitching pain in heart.   

Moving towards his office door I cursed myself and pledged if someone says it was stupid, I'd put the blame on being woman full of pheromones. 

"Hey." I stopped myself halfway in and smiled as sweetly as only could. "I need to tell you something." Focusing on Hammond I hid my hands in pockets and clenched them. 

"Hello." Richard smiled back. "Can't you wait ten minutes until we finish, please?" 

"Oh, it won't take long. Don't mind if I interrupt?" Jeremy shook his head and smiled. I turned my face to Hammond again. "Well, you are a liar, Richard. Said you won't tell anyone, yet you did. I really hate when people break promises." An awkward silence were hanging in the air. It wasn't really cumbersome for me but it was for sure for Hammond. Good. "That's it. I'm sodding off, or whatever." 

Before closing the door I heard a little stifled Jeremy's mumbling 'what have you done' and ‘it was her’, or something close to that. I run down the stairs and walked out of the building. It was damn cold but sharp and freezing wind was something I needed. 

I slid into Honda, put seatbelts on, then hands on the wheel and just kept staring ahead. Few deep breaths didn’t help to calm down, though I wasn’t panicking, or being physically mad. Inner voice was whispering maybe I should be, because it doesn't matter how big promise is – it should be kept. Breaking them is one of the worst things that can be done to me. Common sense was giving a try to convince that maybe I'm laying it on thick, but being deceived even with the tiniest thing - it hurts. 

Closing eyes and breathing deeply I was wondering what can I do with so much unplanned free time. There's not many options when you live all by yourself. I should get a cat or dog, or at least gold fish to keep me company at home. 

Soft knocking on glass got me out of thinking. For a moment I really wanted to start the engine and just drive away with no word, leaving Hammond on the parking lot. I really, really did. And not because of angriness or madness, but of already shoot bullet with 'you're a liar' sign on it, and being afraid some unkind words might slip from my mouth when he'll be trying to explain whole situation. I knew he will, that's what people always do. Guilty or not, you try to move cloud of suspicions far away.  

Hammond called my name twice as I was just looking at him. It was really funny how plastic, glass, metal, wood and whatever that car was made of were strangling every sound from the outside. Good it does that, means my little Honda (ok, not so little, it's SUV) is airtight. Turning away from him I put keys to the ignition and... waited. Somehow I knew he wouldn't go away so easily. The small part of viciousness in me wanted to investigate how long can he stay there, or how long I can hold on waiting for him to go. 

Knocking became more intense, so I lowered the window with quiet snort. "Could've opened the door instead of trying to break glass, they're not locked." 

"And _y_ _ou_ could've left accusation for one-to-one conversation. There was no need to say it in front of Clarkson, especially if guesses are all wrong." 

"Oh no, really sorry for telling the truth in front of little Brummie's friend. You didn't cry though, did you?" Wave of angriness hit me in the worst way. I don't scream, throw my hands up, or break plates. No. I'm an incredible prick with calm and cold voice who doesn't think before talking. "And for your record, it's not just a guess; I had a chat with Wilman." 

"So what?" 

"I was told to go home." 

"And where's my suppositious lie in it?" 

"Why Andy wanted to talk, what do you think?" 

"Wouldn't ask if I knew, Hayley." 

I shifted a bit to face Hammond. "You narked about me staying nights here. I asked-" 

"I didn't." 

"You're gonna lie through my teeth now? Are you _that_ stubborn and won't admit you rooked me?" I looked him directly in the eyes. Hammond seemed to be twitchy, or maybe it was just irritation that I won't back off either. "If you're afraid I'll be angry, well, I won't. Confess that sin and maybe it'll be forgiven, come on." 

He sighed loudly and run hand through his hair. "I haven't rat, okay? I haven't-" 

"You're the only one who knew I was sleeping here. Only you. I've never told anyone, cause, like I said, it wasn't cool thing to brag with. I was caught and didn't have the choice to hide what you've found out. Or maybe there was different way out but I decided to trust you. You have promised Hammond. And somebody I respect very much told me long time ago that _every_ promise should be kept and if it isn't, you trusted the wrong person." Pain was increasing and felt like with each word somebody was adding another sharp needle and aimed it in my back. 

"Hayley... I... I wanted to help. Don't be mad, please. I was worried." My eyes went as wide as they could. It's one thing finding out a lie, but entirely different someone making clean breast of it. "First time we met you were working on Sunday when you should stay at home. Next time you were here all night. Too much duties made you cry. And beside that, you were drained and knackered, and seemed to be so fragile." He came closer and put his palm gently on my arm. I jerked and tried to move away but siting with seatbelts on doesn't leave much space to move inside vehicle. Hammond squeezed my shoulder. "No offence, but you still look awful. You need to let your body finally get back on track." 

"Get back on track? I'm not out of it Hammond." 

"Please, don't be mad, I wanted to help. Take the help, please." 

Hands clench themselves on steering wheel, knuckles went white. "Your intentions may cause more harm than you think." 

Richard's thumb started to draw small circles on my arm. Didn't know if he was aware of that. "It's just a little free time, what could possibly go wrong?" His attempt of joking didn't help at all. It wasn't funny, because I knew that everything can go wrong. 

"It looks like that only for you." 

"What are you talking about?" 

 _Keep breathing Hayley. Deep one. In and out. One more. In and out. Repeat._  

"Dave and Jax are back. Me having free days means they'll have to work more. Jax's mum had a heart attack, Dave should be with his new wife celebrating marriage and you caused them to sacrifice their private time over me, though I am okay. If you wanted to help so badly, why wouldn't you tell Andy what happened after the first night? " 

"I... I don't know. Maybe I should have, but... I don't know." 

I laughed with so much bitter in my voice, I felt the taste of it in my throat, sliding down gullet and leaving clammy trace like snail. "The thing is Hammond, I am fucking lonely. I have no-one. I live alone, with no family, no friends, no pets." It was getting harder and harder to speak with each word. "Job is the only thing that socialise me with other people and, because of you, it's taken away. I know how it sounds but for your information, I am not sick or mental, I don't have phobia. I'm not a masochist." Couldn't understand why I was saying all of that. Maybe I didn't want to know why, but just get rid of it when someone listens. "I decided to support someone and that person is gone. I was left alone. I do need to be alone sometimes but too much time just in my own company makes me to wonder, and think, and analyse what had happened, and then I'm loosing my sanity. With that decision you have treated me to staying locked in my flat and going crazy." 

Had to shup up before my voice would break, and it was so close to that. I could feel how it was starting to shake. Sounds which were coming out of my mouth wasn't exactly the way I wanted them to be. The danger of being too much exposed made me swallow hard.  

Smiling I looked at his hand on me. It wasn't disturbing, or unpleasant, but why he was doing it..? "Why you want to help _me_ so much?" 

He opened his mouth to say something but not a single word or sound came out. Brown eyes were searching answers on my face. Seemed like forever before he finally spoke. "Hayley, I... I..." 

"You what, Hammond?" No answer. "You what?" Staring at him didn't help. He looked paralysed and scared. I snorted sadly and shifted in seat to look ahead. Out of the corner of eye I saw he didn't move, even his hand was still on my arm. "Yeah, right. Take your hand off, please." He did without making any sound. 

When engine was on and window up I left the parking lot without looking at Hammond. I needed to crowd out this conversation. I shouldn't have shared that information with Richard. Shouldn't have shared it with anyone. But he really didn't know that sometimes help isn't help and it can do more damages than doing nothing. 

I had to come up with something. Don't want to spend all two days on thinking, and watching old photos or reading letters from the past. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I did a good job with converstion between Hayley and Andy, cause while reading it myself, I could hear Wilman's voice in my head. So it's good, hope it doesn't contain of too much mistakes.


	4. Stinging pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I'm posting this it's almost 2 in the morning on 7th May at my place. I couldn't sleep because of my little anxiety and - as much as weird it is - it helped me to finish this chapter.  
> Also, I want to say sorry for not posting for almost a month. I feel like I disappointed every precious soul who reads, whatever the hell I'm writing, and myself. But life is happening harder than ever and it's tough to keep up. When it wasn't giving me heart attack every day, I wrote half or so of this chapter, but then, when I hadn't a minute to rest I just couldn't end it. Attempts of doing it felt wrong when lines seemed to be severed in the middle. Want it or not, I had to rewrite this; it was a struggle at some point.  
> I am really and entirely sorry guys.  
> Hope at least story is still fine. Don't hate me, please. :|

**Richard**

 

My eyes were following Hayley's car until it disappeared around the corner. After that I was still looking blankly at the spot, standing in the same place not able to move. My coat wasn't zipped, so I should be cold from wintry wind and rain which was getting more torrential. However, I didn't care.  

Don't know how much time passed; when my phone vibrated I was all wet. It was text from Jeremy saying if I don't want to be sick on next recording, I should get back to warm and cosy office. For once in Clarkson's life he was right. Before entering the building I took dry clothes from my Porsche (always prepared, ha!) and changed them in the toilet.  

In my room laptop was still turned on, files with new article and scenario for next episode were opened on screen. Looking through the lines I caught myself that I don't know what I'm reading. The same sentence was going over and over again in my head but I didn't understand what it meant. Genuine hotchpotch was inside my mind, thoughts were attacking me one after another, and that stupid question was echoing louder and louder.  

 _'Why you want to help me so much?'_   

It's hard to focus when your brain fights with itself and heart doesn't help at all. What's more, I had literally no idea what my heart was trying to say, beside repeating that I'm worried about Hayley and wanted to help, not hurt her, that's it. No actual answer why I'm doing it. Just that I want to. Yet she reacted so badly. No screams or throwing things at me, just deep sad voice and no sparks in her eyes. Those little glimmers were every time with her, even when she was crying at night, even when she was flat out and I found out she was sleeping in car. But this time they were gone. And when she was blinking, her eyes were getting darker and its colour was dying.    

I run hands through my hair. Frustration over not understanding myself was eating me from the inside. I wanted to already know the answer for Hayley's question but, ironically, the more I was trying to figure this out, the less I was sure.  

Forced myself to write again and was typing without mulling over words which were showing on device. I checked whole paragraph and whined. The conversation flustered me and my writing. Most of it was complete tosh, the only reasonable thing to do was deleting it.  

"I assume she kind of dumped you." Clarkson appeared out of nowhere and leaned against door frame.  

"I assume it's not your business, so get out and leave me alone."  

"I can't, we still have a scenario to discuss."  

Jeremy wanted to push someone's buttons. In that particular situation it was mine. Normally I don't mind, but right now wasn't normal. "We've done it before-"  

"Before Miss Hunnam barged in here and gave you new nickname." I sized him up from above the monitor. Was wondering is it possible to kill someone with computer mouse or pen, or pile of papers. "I know you for rather long while, and have to admit she's quite right. You are a liar, though really bad one."  

"If you don't shut up now, I'll stab you in the eyes with this pen."  

"Come on, tell me what you've done."  

"I'm warning you."  

"Stole her hair products? Broke her car? Drove over her cat?" My patience were wearing thin and that damn fat bloke, whom from time to time I named a friend in a fit of mercy, knew very well I'm about to blow up. "Sex wasn't good or you refused to do something while sex?" The pen flew through entire room and hit Clarkson on arm. Damn, I aimed it in his face. Free plastic surgery by Richard Hammond – Jeremy definitely needs that one. Or decapitation. That would work as well.  

"Before you say I have to pay for your doctor, just want to remind that I warned you." I got back to staring on my article, hoping Jeremy will let it go. Of course he didn't, it's Clarkson after all and has to poke his nose into somebody's affairs.  

Quietly he approached my desk and sat on the chair in front of me. He coughed trying to get my attention back. "Go on, don't be embarrassed. It's just uncle Jeremy here, no strangers. What's the deal between you and Hayley?"  

"Since when she's Hayley for you instead of blonde with nice arse and undefined breasts size?" Before thinking what I was saying it's just slipped out. Uncomfortable warmness was spreading in me and I was hoping Jeremy won't see small blush on my face. Everyone has moments when lips want to be faster than brain. 

Wasn't too confident to look at my friend, so I started to browse really important things on my email, like newsletters and... stuff. "Since you're jealous about her." Wasn't sure if Clarkson was joking or not. But if I look at him now and no matter what I say, he'll be profoundly convinced he's right.  

Houston, we have a problem. I counsel a tactic avoidance. "Yeah, right. And the real reason? You got laid?"  

 _Richard, shut the hell up. Can't you see you're making it worse with every word? And it's worse for you, you muppet. Would you like Clarkson having... you know, with her? Wouldn't it be somehow painful? Yes? Okay. Now shut up._   

"Not combining love and work, so unprofessional." True. In Jeremy's career he had some one-night stands, mostly between marriages, but it's never been woman from work. Don't think professionalism was his excuse; it was more the awkwardness after, not for him but for the poor girl. He can deal nearly with everything in calm way, but it's Jeremy who was kicked so many times in his life that most of public insults are like water on duck's back. At least, this is what he shows. Deep down inside he needs help like every other human being but that inner layer isn't visible for many people. Just for the closest ones.  

"Can't really say you're professional while flirting with every girl here when you have the chance."   

"Don't blame only me. The guilt is always in between." I gave him a meaningful look. Despite people thinking Jezza treats women like objects, he truly respects them, even if it's just one night adventure. He's never raised a voice on any women, his ex-wife, daughters, or strangers. Taking part in some weird show or interviews sometimes made him using high-pitched and funny voice but it's never been a shout. 

All of that sexist face was created by TV. Well, maybe Jeremy was a little chauvinistic but I know him for a long time, and can tell he’s good person, no matter what media say, because they always build personality. Turn someone into the chosen one – people’s choice on what they want to see on telly. Without audience there's no money and that is what runs media, or any other different company,  really. Sometimes media gave you a full costume you have to fit in, sometimes it’s a mask you wear standing in the spotlights, sometimes it’s just a natural makeup they put on your face. 

We’re all in this – James, Jeremy and me – putting right clothes on, smile and dance, joke and act, then just go home to be fully ourselves. We’re lucky that people appreciate us just the way we are and there isn’t too much pretending and faking in what we do, but the truth is, it’s still different than who we are without audience and cameras. 

“So? What did you do?” 

Sighing deeply I looked at Clarkson. Face he made betrayed his curiosity about what had happened and that at the same time he was little worried. 

Wasn’t sure if I should tell the whole truth. It’s not like he would go and spill everything out, but it might get to Hayley and she’d be even more pissed off which I didn’t want to happen. Think I’ve done enough. 

“Tried to help but turns out I wasn’t helpful at all. At least not in Hayley’s eyes.” With shrugging my arms I got back to staring at the screen. No need to reveal all the details, bet Hayley wouldn’t want that too. Jeremy was quiet for maybe a minute, and clearly he wasn’t about to pull more specific answer out of me. 

Tactic with not looking at my friend was on again, so I was scrolling list of unread mails up and down.  

“You apologized?” Either Clarkson was teasing or really not been sure if I did. Instead of yelling at him that yes, that’s why I chased after Hayley in the rain and stood next to her car, then in the same spot after she drove off; the urge of shouting that in Jeremy’s face was big one but I stopped myself and nodded only. “Just do what you always do in situation like that one. Ask her out for a nice dinner, take to opera or some fancy gallery. Girls love romantic ways to say sorry. Whatever you’ve done, ladies always forgive you after an evening spent together and flirting a little. It’ll be okay.” 

Easier said than done. Life taught me it’s not so simple to fill the hole with trust all over again.  

But... Was it really a hole? Was me trying to do something good for Hayley and take care of her in some way turned into breaking whatever thin trust line we share? It shouldn't be just that. It _can't_ be just that. You can't let somebody down with intention to help. If you're not doing this because of own selfishness it's for good purpose. Right? And that's what guided me while visiting Andy and telling him what was going on in the office. And as far as I know he had small talks not only with Hayley, but also with other workers to help and let them rest. So, in conclusion, Hayley should not be mad at me. I wanted to do something good, wanted to take care... 

Crap, I'm explaining myself in front of myself to feel better with words I heard from Hayley. Just... just great. What is she doing to me..? 

I blinked rapidly few times and turned my head when Clarkson was waving his hand right before my face. "Hey, get back, Hamster. You zoned out. Everything all right now?" No, it's not as much all right as I wanted things to be, especially between me and Hayley. I nodded not letting my thoughts getting out. "Be in Andy's room in ten minutes, okay? There's something about Amazon we have to discuss today." Another nod and a slight smile to convince Jezza that I understand. He was about to leave when this famous grin showed up on his face. As I previously said, creepy. Friendly but still creepy. He took paper and a pen, and wrote something down. "Good Italian restaurant. Remember to book table first, it's always full. They have really good wine and spaghetti. You won't get hungry out of there." 

I took the note and read the name. It was indeed Italian one and I had no idea how to pronounce it. When I looked up Jeremy was smiling amicably. Then he left without another word. Quickly googled the place and book a table there for tomorrow evening, you know, just in case. 

I was the last one in Andy's office, Jeremy and James were already sitting inside and talking about upcoming trip to record next episode. The moment door was closed, James' phone rang. He excused himself and went out for few minutes. After entering the room he was mischievously pleased what, of course, couldn't do without Clarkson's joke and all of us laughing, except Slow. 

The meeting was boring, all about Amazon's management and some of them wanting to meet directly with us. Why? We didn't know, Andy wasn't well informed about it too. The uncertainty wasn't good, especially not two weeks before new show premiere. Though we can't really whine; Amazon gives us money for whole package with The Grand Tour label on it. One meeting with them in a month or so seems fair. 

"Pint later?" Jeremy offered with big smile when we walked outside Andy's room. I nodded without thinking. Pint with friends is always good. 

James was typing quickly on his phone with grin. "Can't today, actually." He looked first at Clarkson, then at me. It was little odd. Well, it wasn't about him not having time for a drink but the way he was smiling and looking at the small glass screen. "I'm helping my brother today, he's moving out to new home." 

"So Hammond and I will get drunk and joke about you tonight, you're not leaving us choice, May. Trio tomorrow then?" Wasn't it Jeremy who was telling me about cutting off a bit with alcohol? I bet it was him but I'll point this one out after third or fourth round when he's going to be faded. 

"Can't do either." James put phone into his pocket. Jeremy and me were ready to say some stupid joke about meeting with all the slowest drivers in England, or maybe some new lecture at Oxford about how life was looking in 1865 when May was a teen but he stopped us with rising hand a little. "Gentlemen... Tomorrow evening I'm getting out with a woman." Probably in his mind fanfares were playing loudly and confetti was falling down from the sky. 

I was waiting for Clarkson to ask who that woman is and it didn't took long. 

"Sarah?" May shook his head. So it's somebody else who we might not know. "Is it date?" 

"Might be but I don't think she's seeing it like that. It's more friendly thing than rendezvous. Anyway, glad she called. It'll be lovely change to drink with someone who's not you." 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it. Who is that lady?" 

"Impatient as always, Hammond." My dear friend sighed but he knew very well neither me or Jeremy loved not having answers, especially when it was James who hid them. "Remember our conversation in parking lot some time ago?" Clarkson nodded, I did the same. Where May was heading with that..? "I asked Hayley out, though she hadn't time back then but now it looks like she has, cause she contacted me and asked what I'm doing tomorrow evening. Turns out we're having pint together. Can't wait for it, actually, she's really nice." 

You know that moment when you hear something that's bad for you but it's not time or place to show it hurts like hell? Like it's something thin and sharp that stings directly at places when you're the most fragile and pain is the highest. No matter how much it hurts and how badly you want to scream -  you can't. Poker face has to be on until you'll be alone, closed in your own box, maybe trapped in mind a bit but comfortable enough to let everything get out of your body and out of your head. 

As much as I feel comfortable with my friends it wasn't time to show that somehow James' luck was hurting me. 

Out of corner of my eye I saw Jeremy looked at me with much concern. He was in the room when Hayley called me a liar, he knew I went after her and stayed outside for a while. He was the one who texted me and he must have seen I was standing on parking lot alone. And finally, he was the one I told what happened. 

As much as I'd like to tell James about it too, I was sure it's not going to happen now. But I can't be a dog in the manger, especially when I didn't know what the hell is between me and Hayley, why I've done what I've done and why her reaction to it was that bad. 

I smiled, hoping only Jeremy would know it was a fake one. It worked, James was still cheerful not suspecting something might be wrong. 

"So... Tomorrow it'll be two of us again." I laughed but it was shallow and bitter. Jeremy just nodded in response. Good friend understands and knows when questions shouldn't be asked. "Sorry chaps, have to go to flat for some papers, then I'll be back here to blast of for beer adventure. Good?" I felt raw need to get outside the building and take a deep, deep breath to cool myself down. Cold air was all I needed to feel now. 

Clarkson agreed, I said my goodbyes and stormed out of the office. Starting the engine I was thinking why May's date bothered me so much. 

 _He_ _admitted_ _it's not a date, stop garbling his words. It's not like he's going to propose and_ _mar_ _ry_ _her next day. Damn, she can't be that stupid to actually say yes. She has to be smarter than_ _that. Well, she's definitely smarter since she's found out your_ _li_ _e_ _so quickly. Not like it was complicated one, but still._  

At my place I took long and very hot shower. Water was nearly scalding my skin but it was keeping me away from using brain to think and analyse too much. After that I haven't got back to office, instead I went straight to our local and texted Jeremy I was already there, waiting for him to keep me company. When he showed up I was ending my second pint. I knew he was about to ask me many questions, starting with why am I jealous and after me saying for the fifth time in a row I'm not jealous over Hayley, he'd change the subject but still try to pull out of me that actually I am. Before he had a chance to say anything I stopped him with warning look and informing I ordered his favorite beer. 

Whole evening was nice, full of jokes and filled with alcohol. Wasn't sure if it's just liquor or Jeremy himself, who put me in a good mood, but it worked. Not so much time passed until I wasn't thinking at all except what kind of beer I should get next. At first I had a feeling Clarkson still wanted to investigate me but his head wasn't that strong too and with each gulp he was definitely becoming more and more carried away from reality. At point when my vision was blurry and every thing was wavering from one side to another, all surrounding was funnier and full of hilarious details. 

I had no idea how I got back to my flat. I was woken up in the middle of the night, or maybe it was dawning, I wasn’t sure, when I had to get to the toilet very fast as all fluids and more was sliding up from my stomach to my throat. Thought by many alcohol escapades with friends I knew it was time for second payment which basically meant throwing up. Years of experience let me get to destination place without making any further damages (my carpet in bedroom and the one in the hallway remember nights like this one). Next thing I knew it was waking up again bent over next to bog on cold floor. I stood up and headed with wonky steps to my king-sized bed. It was bright outside which made my eyes nearly burnt off. 

"Damn man. You're 46, should be wiser." I whined. I was in pants, socks – no idea why – and t-shirt; well, it couldn't gone too bad if I had some strength to undress myself after closing door. Even phone was laying on the shelf above bed. I took it and half sober typed a message with information I'm not able to get to work and sent it to Andy. He'll understand, always does. 

Putting my head on pillow I immediately fell asleep again. Dream I had was restless and heavy. There were a moments when I was aware of dreaming and in those time my head was spinning and pain in it I felt was reverberating like circles on water when you throw a stone there. 

Next time I was woken up my phone was ringing too damn loud. "Hello..?" Voice was thin and shaky, and I hoped person on the other side was able to hear me. 

"You all right?" It was May. "It's noon and no one heard anything from you." 

"I texted Andy earlier, he didn't receive it?" 

"No, at least he didn't mention." 

"Yeah, I'm like- I'm still drunk, I guess. Maybe I didn't press the button correctly. Don't know now." Head was killing me and whatever what was left in my stomach seemed to be curious how world looks outside my body. Why my own organism has to punish me so many times? I just wanted to have fun with mate. "Can you tell him I-uhhhh... I'm indisposed. I'll be fine by tomorrow, promise." Some laugh was on May's side. 

"Not a problem." He was giggling even harder now. "Seems you and Jezza had a wonderful time, since he just texted me he's spent all morning in the bathroom. You're not the only one in this." I snorted but deep down inside I was quite happy that Jeremy is going through the same thing. At least he won't be making jokes out of it. "Need anything? I can drop by." 

"Naaah. I'll get some sleep, take painkillers and order in something I'll be able to swallow." 

"Remember I'm free till 6pm if you change your mind." 

"Thanks mate. Better call Jeremy." 

"I will. Hang on Hammond." 

The signal was dead. With putting much effort in, I layed phone onto shelf again and hid my head under pillow. Excerpt about May being free till evening hit me with double force, but it might be fault of my massive hangover. I knew what that meant – James would be seeing with Hayley at that time and I'll be dying on my couch while watching some stupid movie in telly or throwing up again, or trying to sleep and not feel terrible headache. I'm not even able to get to my house with open fields, much space and fresh air all around. Can't drive in that state and am to afraid of vomiting in the cab, it'll be to embarrassing, and problematic of course. 

While me having the worst anguish and dealing with body that hates me, James and Hayley will have a good time, drink together, laugh together, have fun together and maybe even flirt with each other. I couldn't understand why it was so painful. Maybe Jeremy was right yesterday with telling I'm jealous. But when did that happen? I've never had a chance to get to know Hayley much, except time when I was keeping her company, mostly at nights or on a free day when she had to work. It was never a conversation over beer with sharing some fun facts about each other or simply telling, for example what books we like or what cuisine we prefer. Nothing like that. 

I caught myself on thinking that I don't even have her phone number unlike May. 

I whined desperately and almost cried. "Oh God, kill me already. Please." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Condition of drunk Hammond is based on me myself. I'm 23 and only two times in my entire life I was that bad after alcohol escapade. Don't recommend it. ;)


	5. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a meal and a party. Short one but still party.  
> Sorry for my awkward sense of humour. :/
> 
> I'm aware here are a lot of amazing, astonishing fics and that my story is very, very simple, full of mistakes and stuff, but I enjoy writing it. Just hoping you enjoy reading it, that's all. Have a nice day folks.

**Hayley**

 

Sometimes you wake up having sudden realisation you did something you've never expected to. It's weird feeling, very odd, maybe strange even, but most of the times it's... quite satisfying. It's knowledge and proudness that you can do things and surprise yourself as well. It's awareness that maybe you're not as useless as you've been thinking. And it's definitely good for your self confident.  

One day I was woken up by alarm clock but didn't get up straight away. While laying under warm duvet and preparing mentally for whole day full of work _it_ hit me like train on the track. Smile formed itself and it was there through all day. All workmates was wondering why am I in such good mood and that it has to be connected with man. Yeah. Cause women can smile only because of them.  

But they were right, though it wasn't the way all of them thought. It was different, better I would say.   

I have no idea how I did it, when it happened and why it was so fast, and if it's possible things like that happen in short period of time, but I made friends. Two Js I'm fully comfortable to speak with and be around – Jax and James. It wasn't big deal so far, but deep down I knew it's a real one and will last very long if it's going to be cherished. I can promise it will, cause I always care, even if someone doesn't return this towards me.  

I can be accused of a lot bad or immoral things like every other human, but for sure I am not giving up on people.  

Sitting in small kitchen and enjoying warm meal in the middle of the day was my routine since I got back to work from layoff. I've been recently using this word just to piss off Andy a little, and every time he was correcting me to 'leave'. He promised to sign himself that damn account paper instead of bookkeeper and mark those two days, so I finally shut up and won't use wrong term. He was pretending he's angry with me but smile was playing on his lips every time.  

Is it wrong to tease your boss? In my humble opinion it's not at all, if boss is a nice man who has good sense of humour and maintains a healthy distance from himself.  

Jax was sitting across the table, drinking coffee and watching how I eat. Is it only me or all people feel awkward when someone stares at them while having a meal? What's funny, you don't feel that way until you actually catch somebody on staring and yourself on thinking about it. 

"Not hungry?"  

Man smiled and took another sip of drink. "Spent night at mom's and forgot to take food this morning."  

"You know humanity has invented places called shops and restaurants where you can buy food or order something and asked them to deliver it here..?"  

"Ha, ha, ha, very funny." I giggled at his response. "I left wallet there too, so today I'm fasting."  

"Something happened?"  

"Naaah, mum was in watch-old-photos-with-me-half-night mood and I overslept."  

"Shouldn't have been in a hurry, Andy understands. Five or ten minutes won't make a difference really." I leaned down and opened my cloth bag in which I always bring food. Today I had two plastic bowls full of deliciousness.  

"I know but I hate being late. Not my thing." I nodded in response. Taking vessel out of bag I handed it to Jax. He looked at me confused but in seconds got what I was trying to do. "No, no, thank you. It's yours. You'll be starving later. No, I can't take it."  

"All men are like that? Too proud to take small help?" He rolled eyes and took bowl. "5 minutes in microwave, don't thank me."  

"Thaaaaaaaaaaanks. You are an angel."  

"Yeaaaaaah, I just love food." We both started laughing. 

While we were having break all office was living hectic and excited life as it was only two days to The Grand Tour premiere. Yes! Finally we'll be able to see prepared product and big amount of work we put into it. As an editor I didn't even need Amazon to watch show – I make it. Well, not just me, we help each other, but that or either way I have access to more footages than any viewer all around the world. Have to admit this is quite nice but I'll watch it on Amazon anyway. Just to see my name in credits, worth the price.  

We were interrupted by the slowest driver and his little friend. "I can smell something tasty." James entered the kitchen with mug in one hand and plastic box in other. Richard followed and stopped half way in. He looked at me and something disturbing was in his gaze. "Is it..? Is it curry from my recipe?"  

"Guilty." I confessed with stifled laugh. "You were right about extra herbals, it makes whole thing a lot better."  

"Told you." After putting meal into microwave May sat down next to me. "You're going to just stand there?" He turned to Hammond and invited other man with a gesture to take a seat with us. I smiled encouragingly and was pleased when Richard smiled back. He took place next to Jax and opened box full of warm pasta. "Carbonara again?" May snorted.  

"I like it, ok? Can eat it every single day. Beside, I felt like pasta today, you know?"  

"Gummy and warm?" James snorted again.  

"I was thinking more al dente when you first put it in your mouth." I almost chocked with piece of chicken. Usually I've been working mostly with guys and jokes like that one wasn't something new, but hearing it now while eating... It's much. 

When I started to cough all of them looked at me. "What? Wasn't expecting euphemism now." Jax broke into laughter, James turned face away and Richard was the one who kept staring at me. Blush was creeping from his neck to cheeks and I found it really funny how pinkness was contrasting with pearl whiteness on his shirt. Even caught myself on thinking it was adorable in some way. With covering mouth I tried to hide how badly I was giggling as Richard's blush got even more pink.  

"Just... let's eat." Jax calmed himself and so did James. I was still strangling titter inside. "So, should we expect some overshare from Stuttgart?"  

"Nothing special, really." Hammond shrugged his arms.  

"Heartthrob of most of show female fans had nothing to overshare with?" Jax nudged Hamster slightly.  

"After Christmas market, condoms with quotes and Jeremy falling over you can't embarrassed yourself with any overshare, at least not in my eyes." Corners of lips went up as memory of watching all recorded videos from Lapland popped up in mind. 

"You've no idea what's coming with next scenarios." James' enigmatic smile was quite strange.  

"Should I be worried? Is it going to be bigger than wearing gloves on ears and pretending you're a reindeer?" Richard whined but after all he started chuckling.  I got no answer but was sure whatever they're planning to say in studio, it'll make me laugh till I cry. That's what they always do. 

"I forgot ask earlier. You going to our small celebration party?"  

"Am I invited?" James, who asked, gave me are-you-for-real kind of look. I knew about this event, Andy has sent an invitation e-mail to everyone with great words of being thankful for working so much and for sacrificing our free time to help this show come true. There was no saying we must be there but simple information it'll be amazing to spent whole evening all together and celebrate what we've been trying to create for so long. "Ok, let's try again, James. Are _you_ inviting me?" 

"Maybe. So?" 

"You have to admit you do, if you want to see my reaction." Shrugged my arms nonchalantly I swallowed bit of curry and lift up gaze to look at May. His smirk was probably as big as mine. 

"I'm officially asking you to be there, it'll be lovely." 

"I'll consider your offer." It was so hard not showing my triumphal grin. I failed by the way. "But if I go, will I be obliged to wear some fancy evening dress and too high heels for normal human?" 

"Don’t think so. Girls from downstairs were making chin music about clothes and womanly stuff yesterday, and seems none of them are going dressed in fancy things as you called it." Wanted to ask Jax why he was eavesdropping but he wouldn't do it deliberately. Our whole room was chatting about party earlier today and Jax told some girls are definitely going. 

"If it's about me, you can wear whatever you want." May winked friendly. "I'll try to dress decent enough but end in floral shirt like always. No matter in what you're going to appear there, you'll be better looking than me, so no need to worry." 

"You might be right but I'm not a star. When you two and Clarkson are going to smile, shake hands and hear compliments over fantastic job you do, my small and quiet persona will be probably discussed inch by inch by others, appearance included. If I don't want to hear unfavourable whispers behind my back for next millennium, I should dress adequately to red-letter day." 

"All women are like that? Making things too complicated?" Jax winked, what a bastard. He said it on purpose, making paraphrase out of my own words. 

Wanted to snap with some sarcastic comeback but my brain didn't come up with one. It's always like that, isn't it? You can't find anything good enough to riposte when you talk, but few hours later you have bunch of cool phrases. Typical. "You're doing the dishes, hon." I puckered mouth hoping I'll look stern, but it was more about not smiling and not giving Jax satisfaction that I got what he has said. 

Richard was first one who ate all meal. He threw plastic box into trashcan and without a single word he just walked out. "What's wrong with him?" Jax asked. He took my bowl and started cleaning it. "Sick or something? He barely spoke a word. It's because of us?" 

"Wish I knew." May sighed heavily. "Thought he was okay but seems I didn't see latest collapse. Maybe it's Clarkson and his biting tongue?" 

"Not sure if that's a cause. I don't remember many times when Hammond was acting like today and I've been hanging around with you; every time he was that quiet usually it was caused by sickness, family bust-up, friends being in troubles or being in unprecipitated love." I was still forgetting that Jax knows our holy trinity so well. He told me a little about working with BBC and how it looked from the inside. He left when May and Hammond resigned after station fired Jeremy. Few people did it too to stay loyal. 

"Yeah, but usually he was willing to talk with someone, now he's not. Don't know when whatever this is happened, it was all fine before recording in Germany, I guess." 

Listening to them I felt unpleasant tickling inside. If Jax is right, something bad is going in Richard's life and I don't want him being in pain in any kind of way. Maybe it's just me looking at him through fan's glasses and care in way you care about celebrity who doesn't know you're existing. Maybe it's me just being worried as someone who likes him. Maybe I'm worried cause I should be, cause I owe him that since he is worried about me. 

Palm was put softly on my arm. "Hayley..?" James was smiling. "My brother is calling, have to take it. Could you drop Hammond's phone at his room, please? He forgot it." I nodded lightly. "Thanks. See you later, yeah?" 

"Yeah, don't forget to wait for me." When May was out, Jax's eyes were full of curiosity. "What? I'm helping him to find gift for his sister." 

"Sooo... you're going on a date." 

"No, I'm not." 

"You are." 

"No. And don't you try say otherwise, or I'll never ever feed you again. Would you take my bag with you? I'm going to Hammond's room." Taking small device I headed to Richard's office as hearing how Jax was laughing quietly behind me. 

Moment when my hand landed on door knob undefined nervousness ladled out inside my whole body. What am I afraid of? That Hammond is not going to thank me after giving him his phone? That he won't say a word? Or that he's going to say much more than I can bear hearing? 

Quietly closing door behind me I approached desk and at the same second my presence was noticed. Smiling friendly I reached hand and put phone on the desk's surface. "Hello." Voice seemed to be a little shaky, so I cleared throat hoping it'll be enough to calm vocal cords. "You left it in kitchen. Hope you don't mind I brought it." 

Hammond let go deep breath and smiled but somehow it made me uncomfortable. Thought of being the reason for his today's behaviour punched me hard. "I don't. Thanks." Looking at big brown eyes I was hit again, almost knocked down with all the sadness in there. How it's even possible for someone like Richard, who's always cheerful, light-hearted and lovable, to be filled with such sorrow? "I'm busy now, so if you could, you know..." That one hurt, but... why? After all it's normal to be busy during work hours, right..? 

Forced myself to hold smile and nodded. "Yes, yes. Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted return your phone." Turning back I had intention to walk away and go to do my job, but squeaky voice in head didn’t let me to give up and go. "Richard, can you tell me- No. I want to tell you-" I inhaled sharply and laughed nervously. Man was sitting oafishly and looking at me with a bit dull eyes. “I just wanted to say I’m... I'm sorry. I really am." 

"For what?" 

"Way I treated you few days ago." I hid hands in pockets. Palms were sweating uncontrollably the same way they did before my very first job interview. And my apologies felt like I was saying them first time ever. Being human equals making mistakes and being sorry sometimes, so standing in front of other human and saying those few words weren’t really new, but it just felt like that. “Was saying stuff without thinking and know I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry, Richard... You’re good fr- You’re good person.” 

“Wanted to say ‘friend’, didn’t you?” I nodded quickly. Was there a point to deny or lie? “What has changed your mind?” 

I thought I had an answer, I really did, but when my mouth opened no voice came out. What’s more, mind wasn’t trying to find at least one word I could say. Hammond was staring at me, waiting patiently. One side was hoping I’d eventually speak and other that I’d run away, find another job in five minutes somewhere in Mexico and change my name, so no-one can find me. 

But hey, wasn’t I the one who said I try to be grown up?  

Closing eyes and taking deep breath was attempt to clear my head. Getting to the bottom of changing the word scared me. “Are we friends? Are we real friends, Hammond?” Was my curry bitter or is it echo of words that I’ve just said? 

Man seemed to be taken aback. His eyes went wider, mouth were parted slightly. The sight of him now was heart-breaking. "Well, yes. That's a good point." 

We were sizing each other up and all I could focus on was sorrow floating around Richard. "I want you to know I'm very grateful, really am. Thanks I said that night you caught me were true. Hell, they'll always be true, but this is... not... enough. At least not for me to call you a friend. It's even funny in some way, cause you've done so much more than most of people I've met in last few years. Maybe I should be able to call you a friend, maybe it's my fault that I can't but... I don't know. I'm weird." 

Waiting for any reaction lead me nowhere. Biting lip nervously while staring at Hammond seemed to last forever. Desperately wanted him to say something but he was painfully quiet. It was worse than anything he could say. Of all the weapons we fight with silence could be the most violent.  

"Leaving out side of me which is still your fan, who keeps reading interviews and watches show, well... I don't really know you. You don't know me. We don't share secrets and stuff. But it's more than crystal clear that something is eating you and... And I don't want you suffer. Don't know why you care about me but I care about you too." With shrugging arms I made few steps back and froze for few seconds. Shit! Have I just admitted..? Haven't I gone to far? Moment ago I've said we're not friends but now that I care. Next time I hear joke about women being wishy-washy I'll remember this moment and shut up. "If there is anything I could do to cheer you up... You know where to find me." More steps and I was facing door, ready to open them and get out, still feeling embarrassed. 

"Will you show up on party?" 

I turned head to look at man. That weren't words I expected to hear but it was better than nothing. "Don't know. I'm not a big fan of parties." 

"James invited you." 

"In witty way, but yes." 

"That doesn't convince you?" 

"Uhhh, still not making me person who would die without feast." 

"What if you were invited by me too?" Cheeky little grin, the one all fans could see on telly, was immediately on his face. Is he back? 

"Oh. Oooh. Now it's obligatory to be there." Quiet laugh escaped me. "See you at party, Hammond." He nodded, smile still on, even his eyes became brighter. 

Being half way out I heard Richard's voice once again. "Hayley, will you let me get to know you and be friends..?" It was one of the moments in life when you feel completely paralyzed but surprisingly it’s good. 

Hadn't guts to turn around again. Although lips' corners went up and cordial spark appeared inside my body. Don't think I've been ever asked about that. Maybe in nursery but if so, it was long time ago. Hearing such question now was splendid. "I think... Yes, I will." 

* * * 

Carefully stepping off car after changing shoes to heels. Setting clothes right for the last time and checking in rear-view mirror if make-up is still looking as good as it was at home. Locking car, putting keys into small purse. Quick steps until reaching door. Deep, deep breath before walking in.  

 _Let's get the party started, Hayley_. 

Pushing door and walking inside club I got a little petrified with crowd in there. I knew whole office was invited and was expecting some big cheeses but amount of people was overwhelming. Maybe I'm not really social but going to office day after day and seeing the same faces makes you know who's working there. When you're surrounded by strangers from the beginning it's simply unhandy. 

Very pleasant man with polite smile took my coat and wished me to have a good evening. Facing the view I was looking around to see someone familiar I'd like to talk with. Our dearest graphic designers were sitting at the table. Charlie, one of them, saw me and waved friendly, inviting me there. Smile appeared on my face as I was walking to say hello. Inside I was grateful it didn't end with me staying off the beaten track, waiting for someone to start conversation, cause I'm just shy and too scared to do this on my own. 

Half way there I was stopped with gentle palm on my shoulder. 

"Dress and heels? Is it really you?" May was smiling charmingly. Bet he was so damn proud of show. Report we had earlier was astonishing with high numbers of how many viewers have already watched first episode. Whole team knew it's going to be special, we just didn't know _how_ special. 

"Good to see you too, James." I sighed pretending to be annoyed with his comment but I couldn't hide grin. We leaned and exchanged small kisses on each other's cheeks. 

"Just came here?" 

"Yup. I'm a little surprised so many high-ups from Amazon came. Do we have enough cheese for them? Can give away my small portion but it might not fulfil their wishes." 

May started to snigger. "Don't forget about Hammond, he needs it too." Now was my turn to laugh. "You look stunning by the way." 

Small blush showed up on my cheeks. I'm not used to compliments. "Thanks. You're looking handsome as well. Even with that floral shirt." 

"What can I say... I tried. Looking at all girls here have to admit I'm happy men don't need to wear dresses, cause it always goes with thighs. Heard it's very irritating thing." 

"God yes. I hate tights and I'm not wearing one." James looked at me with aroused interest. "Stockings, James." I could see he was thinking intensively what's the difference between these two (or he was pretending he didn't know); he was interrupted by Hammond and Clarkson who approached us. 

"Another gorgeous woman here, what a pleasure." Jeremy, charming as always, shook my hand. I haven’t had much occasions to chat with that big man, but every time we had he was rather amusing talker. He’s not just car journalist, he keeps up with literally everything that goes all around the world. He knows so much it’s overwhelming and impressive how one person can remember all those things. “You should change conversation partner, bet he’s boring you to death.” 

“May? Boring? Naaaaah.”  Turning head I looked at Hammond who was standing behind older man. He said quiet hello but in fit of... something, I leaned to him and kissed his cheek, same friendly way as I did with James. In just few minutes I felt my cheeks went pink again. 

“Why didn’t I get that one?” Clarkson whined. Shaking my head I climbed on toes and left small kiss on Jeremy’s face. 

“We’re good now?” Tall man nodded not even trying to hide smirk. Ok, he might be great one to talk with, but he’s still a man who takes every chance to flirt. Not that I mind, it’s more funny than flirty really. “Anyway, what’s the topic May has picked to bore you with?” 

“I was about to explain the difference between tights and stockings.” Reading from Clarkson’s expression I could tell he didn’t know or wasn’t sure if there is any difference. 

Hammond looked at his legs, after minute he was drawing invisible line on thighs, making three attempt to place it on right high. “Stockings are shorter, this length I guess.” Despite how he was explaining this, he was right. 

"How it..? How it stays on, if there's no crotch?" 

"Really Jeremy? Have you never met any girl who would wear it? Never seen woman only in stockings?" Third time. Third time my cheeks became rose-coloured. Clarkson was grinning like Cheshire cat now, he led me to border where kinky jokes were about to start.  

In fraction of time I noted tall man glanced over Hammond, no idea why. "If you do me an honour, you'll be the first one." 

"Sorry for this savages, their primal instinct is programmed only for procrastination." May shook his head sighing deeply. "And you try to behave while talking with lady. Anyway, you were looking for me?" 

"Yup. Important man we've never seen wants to talk with us about probably veeeeery essential points of show." Hammond used special tone which said it'd be boring, vapid and imposed discourse. Guys excused themselves and promised we will talk again this evening before they left me. Walking toward table I wanted to reach at first I heard Richard's voice again. "Hayley, can you dance?" 

He stopped me by catching my arm tenderly. "What?" 

"Can you dance? You know, moving your body in a way that goes with the rhythm and style of music that is played?" 

"Technically yes but I'm avoiding it. Why?" 

Cute smirk I've always loved seeing on tv was on his face. Mysterious little grin that melts most of fans' hearts. "Music will be played later and I wanted to dance with you. If you want of course." 

"It'd be a pleasure. But most of girls want to smooch with you, not sure if I manage on time." Rolling eyes Hammond excused himself as well and went to fill out star responsibilities. 

Getting to my destination I was welcomed by graphic designers and my dearest editors colleagues. Jax cornered me seat next to him and from now on this evening were better and better. Dinner was nice, after that we all were chattering about everything and nothing, constantly joking, most of us were even dancing. Vast majority was drinking fancy wines or whiskey, or whatever was offered. 

Jax and Dave was first one who actually danced with me, then there was James and it didn't surprise me he was damn good. It was great fun with Andy too, though he was already tipsy a little but I didn't mind. It was The Grand Tour evening, we all deserved it. I'd lie, if I said I wasn't waiting impatiently for Hammond and three or so minutes I could sway with him. It'd be nice having his arms wrapped around me, hugging him and just be close. After all I knew that feeling; as far as I remember it was delightful and familiar somehow. Hours were passing but he didn't show up. He was present on dance floor once in a while, most of the times with women I didn't know. Scouting around and seeing him, he was standing with rest of grand trio and entertain other producers or Amazon's bigwigs. 

Before midnight Jax had call from his sister to come back. Her kid was sick and had to go to hospital, their mom was worrying as hell now and they decided not to leave her alone for a night after hectic evening. I offered to drive him there – he was after high dose of alcohol, I drank only one glass of wine and it'd be faster than calling a taxi. Didn't have time to say goodbyes, especially when I promised Andy to come back again. Getting out in rush I didn't care if someone saw me with Jax, neither if they would start to make rumours.

After leaving Jax at his mom's place and making sure he's okay I was driving back to club. Wasn't sure if there was someone sober enough to talk with or dance, but I was hoping at least Hammond would be; was really counting on having that damn dance together. I was rooted to the ground when I entered in and saw Richard. It's been maybe an hour but he wasn't able to stand on his feet. Basing on state he was in, he must've drank so much very, very fast. Andy was trying to help him stand, though Hammond's body was out of control. After third collapse on chair I approached them without even leaving my coat. 

Muzzy eyes looked at me, I could bet brown rings around pupils were now replaced by alcohol. "Hey Haaaaayyyyyleyyyyy. Goooood to see yaaaa." 

"Hey, having fun?" Hammond growled something understandable and looked down. "What the heck, Andy?" 

Wilman shrugged arms and smiled sadly. He definitely sobered up trying to take care of Hamster. "No idea, in one moment he was fine, joking and stuff, then snap, he threw a hissy fit, stopped talking, started drinking literally everything. It wasn't even hour ago." 

"Jesus Christ. What about others?" People all around were paying attention mostly to barely conscious Brummie. 

"Drunk but fine enough, on their feet, not falling over with every step." 

 "Ask someone to help, dress him and bring to my car. I'll drive him home." 

"You don't have to, taxi is on its way." 

"Yeah, and will driver help him open the door, guide to bed and not rob house?" My boss was about to snap back but this time he wasn't right, no matter what he wanted to say. "With all respect Andy, but you have to listen to me. I'm sober, my car is right outside the club, I’ll take care and call you when pisshead will be asleep. You can’t leave, James and Jeremy are drunk and can’t walk out yet too, leaving Hammond for driver’s mercy is too risky. You’ll never know if he’s not going to take some pictures and sell to Daily Mail or some shit.” 

Andy closed eyes for a moment and let out breath full of frustration. Wasn't even trying to imagine how browned-off he was. Although it was celebrating night, we were supposed to have fun, spend night together, but Andy had his commitments toward Amazon's management. And so had Clarkson, May and Hammond. They could drink of course, no-one would stop them, but they should be wise and keep themselves in check. Apparently it was harder than expected. 

Without word Andy nodded. All I could do was smile dimly. Taking Hammond’s coat, and with some help from James, drunk idiot was dressed now. Jeremy with Dave led Hamster to my car and set him down in front seat. Wasn't sure if Richard was asleep or not, his eyes were closed though. Dave said goodbyes and hugged me friendly. I was waiting for Andy, who needed to have a word with me before driving off. Jeremy stayed with me outside and was leaning against car, breathing deeply. 

“I’m highly interested why you volunteered to take him home but still too intoxicated to understand your answer, whatever it’d be.” Man looked at me like he was trying to drill through skull into my mind to rip off answer. “I’m wondering what’s between you and Richard, why you called him a liar, what he meant he was trying to help..." Clarkson laughed, it turned to be bitter one. "Hammond’s changed, I’ve seen it before. It always ended good after all but in the middle he was in pain and broken. I’ve seen him like that and I'm fucking terrified cause it’s coming again.” 

“What you mean?” 

“I mean something has just began in his life, making him bend and I got a feeling it's conn-" Andy walked out, shutting door behind him, so Jeremy hadn't chance to explain this statement. Unfinished sentence scared shit out of me. Need was growing to ask Clarkson about more details but it wasn't my place. 

"Hammond didn't leave anything inside, I checked it. ID, licence, wallet, phone, keys, it all should be in his coat. In case he did forget any stuff, I'll call you, okay?" 

"Yeah. All right. Where does he live here?" 

"In London?"  

"Yes, he told me he has an apartment here, what's the address?" Both Andy and Jeremy furrowed and looked at each other desperately. "Aren't you friends with him? Jeeeeesus, you've no idea, right?" Turning away I opened door and bent. Gently putting hand into coat pocket I was searching for wallet. Hammond's breathing was loud, patchy a little but it made me sure he fell asleep. Winkling out small leather square, then taking out plastic ID card to check where Hammond lives, I couldn't help but whine. "Fuck. It's going to take three hours." I didn't like the idea of driving in the night for so long but taking Richard to my house wasn't even an option. Facing again my bosses I sighed deeply. "You owe me." 

Promising I'm going to be fine and I'll take care of drunk bastard on my seat I was free to go. Starting the engine, leaving small parking lot near club, I hit the road. Focused on streets I was trying to wake up Hammond with one hand. Finally he opened eyes, but they were so bleary and absent I knew I wouldn't get none information but it was still worth giving a shoot. 

Red light was gleaming intensively in front of me, big drops of autumnal rain was helping redness illuminating even more. That view could be named beautiful, in some way it was. But instead of eulogizing over it I glanced over man. "You know where you are?" Small nod. "Know where we're going?" No answer this time. "I'm taking you home. It'll be amazing, if you could say where do you live here in London. Can you do that, sweetheart?" 

Growling quietly Hammond turned face away. Lights changed, with foot down on gas pedal car was rolling further and further as we were sitting in silence. 

 _Ok, one down, let's try again. He's just drunk. Drunk people talk a lot, you can do it, Hayley. Try again, he'll tell and you both avoid driving for hours at night._  

"So? Richard..?" Same moment I looked at him, he faced me. One second was enough to ensure me there's no point to ask again. "You don't want to talk at all or just not with me?" He snorted filling the sound with so much sorrow. Straight away I felt guilt ball forming in throat. Why it was even there? "It's gonna be lovely journey, isn't it?" 

Haven't expected any reaction and didn't get one. The only sound which was present with me all way to Hammond's house was his steady snoring and my own thoughts running furiously all over my head. 


	6. Crossed line

**Richard**

 

Everything was spinning, making me sick and mauled like I was thrown into washing machine. Body felt like it was thousands times heavier than normally, it was so hard to lift up an arm, hand, palm at least. Weird clangour was echoing in head, and head itself seemed to be ripped off from torso, floating above bed. Trying to open eyes was pain, raising chest to breath was pain, any attempt of moving was pain, thinking was pain. 

I was pain myself. 

What was interesting, somehow I could feel soothing presence. I wasn't alone here, though wasn't quite sure where I actually was. Definitely alive and under warm duvet. Subconsciously knew it was fine, and that I was in right place, safe. That's all I needed for now and with that thought – painful like my body – I drifted off to sleep again. 

I'd lie, if I said it was a good dream. It wasn't at any point. Someone has been trying to help me, make me stand on my feet, but it was hopeless, I couldn't move. Someone has been asking or calling me, don't even know about what. I thought unknown lips were repeating my name, but I was deaf and no sound got to me. Someone has been trying to touch me, palliate me, but I wasn't able to physically feel it. Gentle palm was on my arm, but I didn't feel it. I couldn't see who that person was, cause I was in some way blind. Being sure of someone's presence and darkness was the only things I could witness, nothing else. 

Quiet humming woke me up. With realisation it's not a dream anymore I huffed with relief. Ability to move and feeling, even pain, was better than not seeing or hearing anything at all. Laying on one side I felt my arm was becoming woody, I needed to get up or turn. Opening eyes I saw a hunched silhouette on window sill. At first I didn't recognize who it was, room was dark, outside wasn't any brighter. But focusing hard enough it was possible to see shapes, even some details. 

Attempt of getting up almost ended with me falling over. I worked out that though, but was a little surprised sounds accompanying me in those exhausting exercises haven't made me noticed. Person was still humming and looking through the glass. With ponderous steps I made it to window, finally finding out who is the mysterious person there. 

"Hayley..?" Voice turned into barely audible weak sound. No surprise she hasn't heard me. Calling her name with more strength didn't make any difference. Squinting eyes I saw she had earphones on, thin light iluminating from small screen let me see it. I came closer reaching hand to touch her. Palm landed gently on woman's shoulder, she jumped turning head fast to face me. Good I was already close, cause she careened forward and almost fall down, but I was there to catch her by arm.  

She swayed and with my help changed position to sit stably again. Putting headphones down she looked at me. Room was wavering from one side to another, couldn't find right sharpness for whole space, instead I focused on her eyes. They were... magical. Or it was just me seeing them in boozy vision at night. That or another, I couldn't believe I've never seen them that way. 

Her lips were moving, I didn't register any sound though. Shaking head I tried to switched my senses to hearing. "You all right?" It wasn't normal tone, it was whisper. Slow, tender and very soothing whisper. "Have I woke you up?" Still wasn't able to answer. Not that I couldn't speak at all, I just couldn't force myself to break the thin mist of her voice. 

I looked at her once again and smiled slightly. It didn't seem to convince her, her eyes were melting my brain with probing gaze. Hayley gently grabbed my elbow, her thumb started dabbing skin over there, the same moment electric shiver run through my whole body. When did this happen? Since when I'm reacting to her like that? Beside the questions in my head right now, it was very pleasant touch, reminder someone cares and is here for me, to help, protect, or just not leaving me alone. 

"Richard?" Now I could hear her. It was still a whisper, maybe more intense to bring me out. "Hey, you're with me now? I need to know if you're ok." Some sentiment took over me, because of that my voice would be squeaky, so instead talking I just nodded. "Sorry for waking you up, didn't mean to. Sure you're okay?" 

Taking deep breath in and letting it go slowly I smiled. Leaving aside body which hates me and wish me to die, I felt uncannily good. It was astonishing what another human's presence can do, in that case it was Hayley next to me. Her warmness furling upwards like cigarette smoke, her smell filling my lungs with every breath, her soft touch giving me goose bumps – in all that was some kind of perfection. Beside the way I was physically feeling, I'd like to stay that forever. 

Hayley was staring at me, eyes full of concern, that in some way moved me. "I'm fine, I'm all fine." Woman smiled with relief. Her hand didn't move, thumb was drawing unnamed patterns on my skin. "You took me home. How did you know where I live?" 

"I let myself check your ID. At first I wanted to drive to your place in London but no-one knew the address. It was quite a journey, getting here." Her tone haven't changed, words sounded quietly, but I heard them loud and clear. She knew I was having massive hungover, it was obvious really. 

"But I... I live far from London, at least 3 hours away. If you spend so much time on road at night... then... What time is it now?" 

"Nearly 7 in the morning. It'll be dawning soon, can't wait to see it. Didn't have much chances lately to see how sun rise up. You have so beautiful and fair view from here." 

"You weren’t sleeping..?" It was more statement than question. Just now I noticed she was wearing the same dress since we met at celebration party. Looking down on her face I realized she was crying earlier. Slight trails were visible through all way up on her cheeks, where tears were streaming down. My heart sunk, I got really mad at myself, cause I knew I was the reason of those salty drops. Who else could have been this night? 

"I took one nap but you were coughing, thought you're going to throw up again. You haven't, but after that I was just to afraid to fall asleep." She shrugged her arms and smiled, but it was tired and full of exhaustion smile. 

"Again?" 

"Yup." Hayley's head lowered itself a bit and when she raised it looking at me again, there was small shadow of being gutted. "When we arrived I was trying to get you out of car, well, your stomach decided it was enough for him and left everything, that was previously inside, in my car." 

"Shit. I'm really sorry. I'll pay for cleaning." 

"Oh, you will. I'm not getting in after that. It stinks." Small laugh escaped her. "Darkness is thick but I'm able to see the guilt on your face. Stop it, Hammond. It's just pukes, you haven't broke my car or smashed up something. It's fine, really." 

"You must be flat out because of me, I can see you were crying." She turned head and took deep breath. Her hand left me, it was very disappointing. Lack of physical contact was obnoxious; wasn't really sure why, but I just wanted to literally _feel_ her. "So sorry Andy made you take care of me." 

Hayley faced me even faster than turning her head before. Our eyes met each other, her stare was so powerful, fully loaded with thing I couldn't even precisely name. It was mix of care and concern, and warmness, and... something more, but I didn't know what was it. "Beside the fact I was the only one sober there and willing to help, no-one made me do it. I wanted to do it, Hammond." 

That left me speechless. Alcohol was still in my veins and I'm always more sentimental and emotional after drinking. Finding proper words to say now was nearly impossible, I didn't want to ruin this moment, chasing out Hayley's confession. I didn't want stop heartfelt warmth from spreading inside me. Again, I wanted to stay like that until kingdom come. 

"So... We're waiting for sunrise?" 

"That's plan for me, you should get more sleep." 

"Won't lay down until you do." 

She rolled her eyes, and even I couldn't see it clearly, I knew she was smiling. "Nothing will change your mind?" 

"Nope." 

"And you sure you want to stay up for next half an hour or so with me?" 

"Yup." 

"Will you go to sleep after that?" 

"Just if you do." 

"Spanner." She huffed, sound changed into sweet and mellifluous laugh. Adorable noise made me laugh too but it was a moment when I realized my head is really, really fragile and oversensitive now, so it all ended with loud whine going hand in hand with putting palms on my head. However it must've been hilarious, cause Hayley was giggling harder. Covering her mouth she said her apologies. 

We both went quiet, I leaned against wall behind woman but was still able to see everything outside the window. Looking at stars, and from time to time at Hayley, I was astonished by the view. Probably I've been all around the world so far, seen so many night skies full of bright and illuminating stars but right now, in my own home, it was one of the best, if not the best, dark horizon filled with trillions shining dots. 

"You were right." Hayley moved to see me. I was hoping my voice didn't spoiled our moment. "That view is breath-taking. No idea how I could never seen it." 

"It's because you have it everyday. People don't see amazing things on their own surroundings until someone mention about it or until you lost it. It's humanity thing." Second time this night I was left tongue-tied. Why I've never had conversation with Hayley like this before? Oh, right, we haven't had right chance to talk like that. About time to have one. "Scenery from my window isn't _that_ wonderful. I mean, I can see sky and stars, but whole smog and pollution thing is real, and that's the cause for occulting half of little lights. I'd love to be here every night to look at them. There are so many..." 

"You can." 

"What?" 

"Stay here every night." 

Our eyes caught each other's gaze once again. Way she was staring at me was really electrifying. She must've put plugs into right holes and turned switch on, I was fully wired now with blood gone, instead I had electricity in my veins. Curse me if you need to, but it felt creepily incredible. Her voice made this feeling more powerful. "Like forever?" 

I swallowed but without any hesitation answer slipped out of my mouth. "If you only want, then... Yeah, like forever." 

For a while we were caught like that – staring at each other with small smiles mirroring in both faces. First rays showed up on horizon, yellow ball was going up and up on sky as Hayley and I were sharing this experience together. Never thought watching how new day wakes up could be so intimate. That time was whole emergent thing and I already knew I want it to repeat. However, there was a catch – it has to happen again _with_ Hayley. 

I was more fixated on woman than on anything else. Brightness was creeping into bedroom making it floodlit and helping me to see Hayley without picturing details in head. And here she was, looking at sun with hungry eyes, little messy but still gorgeous hair. Watching her made my heart beat faster, and if I could express how amazing she is right now, I would, but for now desire was building inside and I just wanted to... 

 _...kiss you. Please, turn around so I can do it._  

Second after this sentence flew through my head dismay knocked me down hard. Heart was still beating fast but now admiration was replaced by horror that I could even _think_ about her in that way. Who am I in her eyes? Surely not _a friend_ , she said it herself. But also I'm not a stranger. Workmate? Yes, that should be the closest to most accurate answer. On the other hand, would _just_ a workmate drove me from London to my own home, so far away just because we work at the same place?  

So who am I for her? Something in between? What’s in between? Is it bad I felt need to..? Am I bad person? 

 _Oh, shut up, Hammond. You're probably still drunk, that's all. She's_ _trying to help you, nothing more, don't exaggerate it. And you're just an emotional hank after_ _liquor_ _who is grateful_ _someone_ _stayed._ _Clarkson could be here instead her and you would be willing to hug him too. It_ _._ _Is._ _B_ _ecause. O_ _f. A_ _lcohol._  

In one smooth motion Hayley let her legs down from window sill and leaned herself against glass. Closing eyes she yawned loudly and chuckled after. Sun was getting more sharp, trying to burn out my face when I was looking at it. It was about time to stop celebrating sunrise moment.  

Little bells rung in my head when I heard familiar voice. Guess I've zoned out. "You need more sleep, Hammond." 

"You need sleep in general." 

"True, but I'm not prepared to stay here. Got no clothes, not mentioning pyjamas. I'm going to wait until you'll be able to drive me back." She shrugged arms. It sounded really reasonable but it'd be stupid of me, if I let her struggle with exhaustion. 

"Do you trust me?" Honestly, I wanted to ask that question in some other way, more subtle, but since daylight and its partner in crime - hangover have been trying to kill me, saying four word sentence was huge achievement. 

Hayley raised an eyebrow. Before she could answer (I kind of didn't let her, was too afraid of what I could hear) I gestured her to not move. As fast as it was possible I scampered to dig through drawers with clothes. Taking clean ones for me and setting up another pile with t-shirts in different sizes and boxers, and sweatpants, I got back to my guest. 

"Don't know what your size is so..." Handing fabrics to woman, nearly forcing her to take it, I smiled. "Bathroom is over there, you can take shower or whatever girls do before getting to bed and... You know." 

She sighed deeply, put strand of her hair behind ear and pinned clothes to her chest. Cocking head to one side she looked at me, beside tiredness her eyes had something more, something tricky. And just now I was able to see what colour they were. Green tinged with few hints of blue, just like cats have. Very, very deep but gleaming shade. That depth had no end, you could jump in and keep falling down forever. I was going there, getting lost in this little ocean and I'd be falling longer but she called my name, and it fished me out back. 

"Hey, you ok?" 

"Mmmmhm. Sorry. I'm just-" 

"Hungover?" 

I nodded, she smiled reassuringly, I melted inside, she didn't notice, because how could she, right? "I'll go to other bathroom and take shower as well, okay?" 

"It's your place, not mine. Can do whatever you want." She walked to the door and stopped with hand on knob. She wanted to say something, at least that how she looked but just a smirk cropped out on her face. Then Hayley disappeared behind the door. 

Rushing myself I got out of bedroom and treaded to other bath. As quickly as it was passible I took very hot shower, hoping it'll take away some headache with unpleasant tickling in stomach. I was sure there was nothing left there, I haven't ate much really and threw up most of it, but that damn feeling was still making me nausea. 

Why the hell I even drank that much yesterday? 

Eyes went wider, wasn't bothering with water getting in them. Inhaling sharply I straightened up in the shower which was a huge mistake, changing pressure in my head leaded to loud hiss and swearing uncontrollably for next minute. It became even worse in conjunction with thinking what was the cause of state I was in right now. Or should I say _who_ was the cause of it. I was probably exaggerating things from previous night and from what I've seen but... Maybe I should just ask..? 

Getting out of the shower and heading back to bedroom I felt a little better. Water washed dizziness and alcohol poison out of me but it also made me more sleepy than before. With loud yawn I closed door and noticed Hayley was back too, wearing my clothes, holding her own in hands. Still wet hair was loosely dangling with her every move. 

"I left rest of your clothes in the bathroom. Also I let myself to take fresh towel." She sounded more exhausted than before. "And I-uhh... I think I need some rest." 

"Definitely deserved it. I should be the one who was forced to stay up all night."  

"God, no." She chuckled. "Drunk people do weird things, it was better to watch you sleep than chasing after through all house, praying for you not to hurt yourself. Don't worry, you didn't do anything bad." How did she..? Oh, I was blushing, cause I knew very well what she meant. Sometimes friends were telling me what am I able to do after alcohol. Good, so damn good Hayley wasn't the witness of those actions. "Where can I lay down?" 

"Since I wasn't really prepared for having guest and other rooms are messy, I'm offering you my very own bed." She shoot a quick glance over furniture and smiled, but it also could be a pout. "Of course if you don't want to, I'll go and change linens and make bed in different room but it'll take time. You must be enormously tired, so I think it's better for you to stay here." She gripped fabric of her dress, it made me more insecure. Was she angry at me? 

"What about you?" 

"Don't know. Probably I'll crash in other bedroom." Girl nodded quickly. She approached chair after looking around the room. With smooth moves her clothes were put down, she turned around to face me and bit her lip. "I'll just take my phone and let you have a break from babysitting me." Letting out nervous laugh I took my device from shelf and had an intent to walk away, though inside I knew I didn't want to. 

Half way out Hayley stopped me with gentle but firm enough grip on my wrist to make me turn. And boy, she was so close when I faced her, one, maybe two steps and I would wrap hands around her waist, keeping her next to my chest. Being painfully honest, I wanted to do it. I wanted her to be close. But this scenario was just in my head, playing slowly, letting me visualize how things could go. 

"Don't want to sound to desperate but I'd like you to stay here." She cleared throat and smile shyly. "With me." I blinked rapidly, being pleasantly surprised. Suddenly I was out of words, couldn't even swallow. Heart started to beat faster, excitement was building inside me; for a moment I thought my scenario might come true. "I won't fall asleep without certitude you're asleep as well. I'll be worrying that something's wrong and it'd be worse than not trying to sleep at all." It needed second to knock me down and destroy all hopes I had. What was I expecting? She's concerned and trying to help, that's all. "I can sleep on chair, on floor even, if you give me blanket and small pillow. Just stay here with me." 

"Ok, but I have one condition." 

"I'm all ears." 

"You're sleeping on bed, I'm taking chair." 

She made step back. "No. No, no, no. You're taking bed, you're the one who got drunk, hangover is enough inconvenience for you." Crossing her arms she sighed deeply. 

"But _you_ are my guest, it'd be very inapposite of me to let a lady sleep on chair." She was about to snap back, but it was my turn to catch her wrist. I dragged her tenderly in my direction. Hoping my wide smirk will be enough to hide how fast my heart was beating when I felt Hayley's warmness radiating from her body. "I can see two other options." 

"What options..?" 

"Compromise." 

"That seems like one option and it's not really clear for me." Girl raised one eyebrow, I thought it was quite funny but didn't start laughing. Quick glance over woman's lips made me lick mine. 

"If you're not agreeing to sleep in bed, I'll go out-" 

"That is blackmailing!" 

"-oooooor we both will sleep in bed." Her eyes went wide. I was praying it didn't insult her in any way. It might be too much. I might crossed thin line of trust and patient she had toward me. And so I was waiting without any courage to say one more word. Green gaze was drilling my skull inside out. 

"Someone is sobering up here..." She mirrored my smirk. "You win this battle, Mister Hammond, but only because I'm knackered." She walked to bed, pulling me with her cause I couldn't let go of her hand. She laid down and cover herself with duvet. I was watching her actions a little absently. For a moment single thought went through my mind that she could do it every night, laying down in my – _our_ – bed as I would watch her and finally do the same thing, pulling her close to chest, breathing in her scent and drifting away with her in my arms. I could clearly see it, imagining all the details. "Don't make me feel more awkward than I already am. Just... just lay down, Hammond."  

Did as I was asked. Laying on one side and looking at girl I realized I'm not so sleepy anymore when Hayley was here. Couldn't force myself to close eyes for good, possibility of seeing her and being close wasn't a thing I wanted to sleep through. 

She took very deep breath, then long breath out as she covered eyes with one hand. Her chest was moving rhythmically up and down, she wasn't crying then. "You okay?" No reaction on other side. Was reaching out hand to touch her but stopped half way as Hayley's arm went down to rest on her tummy. "Something's going on?" 

"Just... just thinking." 

"What about?" 

"Can't tell." 

Ouch. That one hurt. "Oh. _Oh_. Sorry for asking, didn't mean-" 

"It's okay but..." ' _Are we real friends, Hammon_ _d_ _?_ _'_ I heard this sentence in my head when Hayley went quiet. Stupid echo of those words wasn't going any quieter. Annoying, irritating, squeaky voice was killing me, drawing out need to be friends with Hayley. And I realized it didn’t need much strength to do it, the desire was right beneath surface since... Hell, I don't know since when, but it was under my skin. 

Girl turned to one side, facing me now. Smile on her face was an apology with upcoming words. "Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't trust you, Hammond. I just can't tell what's on my mind now but I will, getting back to this very moment. Solemnly swear I will." She snorted quietly, making me smile too. "I just can't do it now, because I don't fully trust myself over my thoughts. They need to settle down, that might take some time. I'm sorry." 

"You're not in pain though, are you?" 

She bit her lips, eyes still on me. So something is going on. "Not sure. Need to figure this out but even if I am, it'll pass. Has to, right?" Tone of her voice exposed that she wasn't convinced if the harm can elapse. And I totally understand her.  

Life has taught me that sometimes little thorn stays with you after harmful incident. It's inside you, laying there forgotten most of the times but when right moment arrives, and history is coming full circle, you're in pain again – the thorn awakes, mutating into dull knife which tries to rip the softest of your skin. Reminding you of past mistakes and stupid decisions, making you overthink and analyse what you had done, how you had behaved, what you had said. Dwelling on the past is highly dangerous territory where people put their minds, because every mind can be lost in those depths. You can be lost there, not able to come back and move forward. It makes pain real again, drowning you, taking air out of your lungs, tightening the noose. You can win this, just hold onto hope and work hard. 

Nodding I smiled at Hayley. For next minutes sweet quiet was environing us. Doing my best not to just stare at woman, and she was trying that one too, we both were following patterns on my bedding to avoid one another's eyes. Didn't know what were her reasons, but for me it was being self-resistant from questioning Hayley what is going on. She didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to force her, though I was damn curious and worried. 

She broke off the silence sounding tired but less troubled. "Hammond, you need to pack up when we wake up. You have flight to Burgerland for recording. But we need to set off a bit earlier, I'd like you to take me home." 

"Shit, it slipped my mind." She was smiling when I looked at her. 

"Not surprised after way you ended partying." It was good to see her laugh. 

"You're going to rub my nose because this one particular small mistake I've made?" 

"Maybe." Hayley grinned charmingly. 

Quickly reaching out hand and pulling up duvet I covered her whole. Stifled groan was heard, then another one. An arm slid out from beneath the fabrics, soft hand grab my own. Goose bumps appeared out of nowhere. "You're trying to strangle me?" 

"Maybe." Word left my mouth without even thinking about it. But I knew Hayley was smiling. 

"Ok, I'm sorry, I won't make fun out of you because of this drinking adventure. Just let me get some air." She let go of my hand, I took it away with some sort of childish pout. Pulling down the duvet she looked at me, pretending to be offended. Her cheeks were rose-coloured, it was very sweet and adorable tone. Couldn't hide her smirk longer so she burst out with laugh making me do the same thing. "Thanks, Richard." 

"For what?" 

Laugh slacked off and turned into soft grin. "Doesn't matter. Just thank you." No idea what I've done to her but even without this knowledge hint of proudness spread inside me. Whatever was it, it worked for her. "I'm drifting away so... Night." 

"Technically it's morning." 

"Good morning then?" I shrugged arms. "This is so wrong, we're going to sleep, not getting up to drive to work or something. Nighty night, Hammond." It was last smile before she snuggled down comfortably and let dreams took control over her. 

Before my eyes closed for good this time I saw Hayley curled up a little, both hands close to her chest, some sort of peace on her face and beside tiredness so much beauty. All of that was inches away. I could easily get closer, put an arm around her, kiss top of her head, nuzzle nose into her hair, breath in her scent. I would keep her safe now, so she could rest. I would keep her safe forever. 

I started seeing her in different light, thinking about her in different way. It made me fearful and happy at the same time. Drifting off to sleep I was smiling widely. 

 _Oh boy, it's **not** bec_ _ause_ _of_ _alcohol_ _._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it fluffy enough? Do men think this way (being hungover)? Have I crossed softness and sensitiveness line? No sure since I'm so emotional myself. Sorry for that, folks.  
> Hope you enjoyed reading. ❤️


	7. Keep your cool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there.  
> It's been a while since I updated this story, hasn't it? I fucked this up a bit and I believe I owe you an apology and explanations.  
> So, first thing. I am really, really sorry you had to wait so long for another chapter. Lately I've received so many positive comments here and messages on tumblr and twitter. Don't really know how to repay you for all of that. You're so kind and patient, and helpful, and sweet. I'm sorry if I ever let you down. But I hope things will change fast.  
> Second thing, explanation. Don't want to put myself in victim's light for not updating this story, but you deserve to know. So, it was very hectic month for me. It wasn't really good at one of jobs I'm keeping, then my dad had to go to hospital and docs were considering very bad disease. My mom, brothers and I were worried as hell and hoping news won't be the worst one. When it turned out it wasn't that bad, I started to feel weird and had to go to hospital myself to run some test. It's pretty all right now with everything, but shadow of disaster is still haunting me. I'm stressed and worried, and have no idea when all stuff will settle down for good.  
> I hope from now on I'll have more time and strength to write since it's my way to run away from reality for a while.  
> Thanks for all kind words, it keeps me motivated.

**Hayley**

 

 _This is wrong, Hayley. This is so damn wrong. You know it's not how it supposed to be, girl. You are very aware you shouldn't agree on this one. It'll have consequences, everything has consequences and you very well know how it might roll._ _You can see how it's_ ** _already_** _looking._ _You're_ _going to lose whatever is in between. You're letting this happen again, because history makes full circle. You of all people should know it._  

Thoughts were trying to kill my mind with gathering there so quickly, even though there wasn't enough space for new one but somehow they were appearing in speed of light. What my reasonable inner voice kept repeating was unfortunately true – it is going to happen again, I'm going to lose this. I'm going to be in pain again. Then I'm going to regret I brought this on me and eventually I'm going to get over and move on. Been there few times, knowledge how all that stuff end isn't a secret anymore. Full circle, that's what it is.  

However, I didn't mind that at all. 

Yes, situation was odd and way too intimate than it really should be. But I agreed on that. It was half-way my choice.  Every fraction in me was screaming that it shouldn't happen and I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't act so strange. It's totally not me, I'm not like that, I don't do things like this one. At least that's what I kept repeating to myself. But no matter what no-one can deny that _I_ let it happen, all of that was going under _my_ consent. It's not like I wasn't aware how it _might_ look like. Or should I say, how I _wanted_ it to look like. 

Still, it seemed to be wrong, I felt it. Despite all awkwardness it was familiar and in some way normal, like how it's supposed to be from the very beginning. For sure I'm not the best man in the world, but with every good and bad action on my personal moral account I think I deserved to have a little of this cosy domestic life, didn't I? 

Not sure if those thoughts have woken me up or if it was something different, but I couldn't force myself to fall asleep again. Looking at ceiling wasn't helping, laying on back was more and more comfortless with every minute. I couldn't turn to any side though. Trying to drop off on one would entail sun shining straight on my face - not an option then. On the other side was Hammond and with all considerations in my head right now, it'd be impossible to close eyes and stop poring on how I could agree to sleep with him in one bed. In _his_ bed. Even thinking about it made it more suggestive that it actually was. 

 _Oh_ _dear God, you’re so hopeless. Do something._  

Getting up quietly I went to the bathroom, hoping I didn't wake Richard. He needed to rest as much as he could, no doubt about it. Once getting in and locking door behind me, I stoped in front of my mirror reflection. Some of its parts could be recognised, for example shadow of exhaustion and tiredness under eyes, or appearance in general, but somehow it was different person than I used to see every time in glass pane. It was divergent woman than the one I knew. Girl in the mirror had weird and a little absent smile which made her look rather good, for sure she was daydreaming now far up in the clouds. With no make-up at all pink blush on her cheeks was contrasting with pale skin. 

I don't know who she is but it's not Hayley Hunnam I know. 

"Why are you smiling...?" Looking at myself in the mirror I could bet there was a second when I saw wide smile, even though it wasn't mirrored, it was my reflection who did it. For a moment it was another person, another me caged in parallel universe. "Stop it. Stop smiling like that." Touching my cheeks just to check if it's still me I sighed deeply. Confirmed, it's me grinning in this boldly dreamy way. 

Wiping face with cold water I was counting for smirk to go away. It didn't surprise me when I stood up and looked in the mirror - it was still there. 

"Let's say you've won today." Brushing hair back with fingers I titled head a little and gave myself final glance. Taking deep breath to calm down I got back to bed. Stomping with bare feet on cold floor gave me shivers. Hammond's house was heated of course but outside these walls November have been ruling the world for a while now. With all rain, snow and wintry wind out there, which you couldn't feel inside house, you are still aware it's freezing. Getting up from bed without much clothes on doesn't help either. 

Quickly climbing under cover I curled up, still shaking. It was pleasantly warm under soft fabrics. First wave of warmth didn't stop my body from trembling, even though I pulled duvet nearly over my head. My manoeuvres were loud enough to slightly wake up Hammond. His eyelids went up slowly, thin of dream was covering his eyes, he was probably half-conscious while looking at me. 

"You all right?" Sleepy, very low baritone filled air around me. And, oh god, it wasn't something I hear every morning, it was sensual but I wouldn't admit it out loud. Also, I could bet with anyone that Hammond wasn't aware how he sounded in moments like this one. 

I nodded in response, even tried to smile but because of trembling I couldn't do it properly. "Went to bathroom, no big deal, really." 

"You're cold..?" It was more statement than question, I was nearly chattering with my teeth and squeezing hard the duvet like it was a life saviour. Well, it was for me in that particular seconds, until Richard spoke again. "Come here." That left me speechless for a minute, totally forgot it was cold. Sudden hotness showed up out of the blue. 

Man's arm lifted up a bit, making extra space underneath fabrics. He wanted me to get closer but something was holding me back, not letting to move my body an inch. With eyes open wide I was staring at him while his hand finally got to me, touching arm gently. All that happened under the duvet but it was enough to make me blush like a teen. 

Small smile was playing on his lips, after a moment it turned into quiet chuckle. "Come on, Hayley. Won't do anything against your will, no worries." Oh, I wasn't worried about _that_. "Guess I offered you my heater function before." I tried to take a deep breath without Hammond noticing that, it was full of nervousness and some kind of fear and... anticipation. 

A little hesitantly I forced my body to slowly move. With every millimetre towards Hammond his hand went further, closing embrace and leaving invisible mark all the way on my skin. For once in my life I was grateful I was cold, it masked shiver which run down my body, waking up every cell in organism, turning on top gear in every single nerve. All that last few seconds but it seemed like ages. Not that I mind really, it was magical and it felt amazing. Beside physical way I responded to Richard’s touch, it left deep scar inside my head. 

Was it good? Was it right that this was going on and I didn't give a toss? For now, yes. I knew I needed that feeling, but I would never admit it in front of myself. When the time comes and I’ll be thinking about it once again, trying to guess what would be if scenario had a different plot, I might curse myself for letting it happen. But right now, in Hammond’s bed, with his hand on my back, with him being so close – I couldn’t regret I ended up here. 

“See? It’s not that bad, is it?” When my body stopped and there wasn’t the smallest chance for it to move again, Hammond got himself more close, nuzzling nose in my hair. He took deep breath and kissed top of my head. “You smell like my shampoo, it’s nice one. And it makes hair so smooth and soft.” Judging by man’s voice, he was drifting off, probably not thinking about what he was saying. Too bad, cause despite the simplicity it was very sweet. On the other hand, he might not remember it when he wake up, which is good as well, especially after how I answered.  

“Hammond,” my voice was about to crack. The bunch of emotions hit me, good and positive emotions, but I hadn’t received them in what seemed like forever. Not saying no-one ever said anything good about me, any complement, it’s just... It haven’t been so full of pureness as it was now. Hammond was in place where half of his mind was already asleep, the other half wasn’t able to control everything. If he was fully awake and aware of his actions, he would never do what he has done but I decided to think otherwise. Because maybe... maybe he would. “I think I’m going to cry.” As the words flew out of me, eyes get covered by thin water coating. I shut them hard. I cried enough in Hammond's presence, these salty drops are not going to see the sunlight. Not this time. Or at least not now. 

I felt another slight brush of Hammond's mouth, this time on my forehead. He truly seemed to be all foggy, yet somehow he was responding to my actions in this... emotional and... _right_ way. I don't know why it was the right way for me. Maybe because I'm emotional and stereotypical woman, maybe because of hormones, or maybe because I was holding back so many things inside me and now was the time for it to dive back to the surface. 

Man tighten the embrace, his fingers softly stroking my back. "Don't cry, please. I don't like to see you cry. I'd rather see you smile." Hammond's voice was quiet in very pleasant way. Baritone was a lullaby, the sweetest melody I've heard in years. I deeply wanted to look at him and thank but small sting in heart was holding me back. How am I supposed to look at this man who was there for me in hard times, comforted me, offered help and now his bed? Yet, I wasn't able to call him a friend. Small simple word and I couldn't name him with it. I tried, I hesitated and choked on it. 

"I'm sorry." Quiet humming with deep breath was an answer I got. 

Wasn't really sure why I was sorry and why I've said it. Mind was overloaded with thoughts, it just took control but what was worse it didn't help me to solve this puzzles like it normally do, matching one piece to others. Instead of being reasonable it turned into iffy voice. It's a hard part when you need to keep your cool while being thrown into state of feeling guilty and loved at the same time.  

Loved, yeah... The only person that truly love me is out there somewhere, I don't even know where exactly. No matter what goes around me, how things look and how many friends I've recently made I am not loved the way I always wanted to be. Guess I'm just doomed so let's take whatever there is, even if it's not precisely what I dream of. 

* * *  

"Hayley, wake up." 

The truth is, humans aren't types of mammals who love to be woken up in harsh way. We'd rather go to bed in the middle of the night, sleep long and wake up just in time to eat breakfast where other people have diner after day at work. I'm one of those people, so when I hear antsy voice, definitely too loud one, unwittingly I curl up in a ball trying to hold duvet a bit tighter. Defence system I use to get one more minute of sleep. 

"Hayley, I really need you to wake up now, I'm already late." When hand touched my shoulder, eyes opened and with a little blurry vision I saw Hammond leaning down. After few seconds sight became sharpened. Adorable yet flurried smile on man's face was fully visible, it got my whole attention. 

I sat on bed trying to wipe away rest of dream I had. "What happened?" 

"I believe we overslept and if we don't hit the road in five minutes, I won't make to airport on time, so Nashville is going to be visited only by two host of the show." First thought after hearing these words was a need to lay down dragging Hammond with me, make him hug me tight and go back to sleep. "You're okay?" Brown eyes were staring at me with hint of pure concern and care, soft palm was on my shoulder again. 

Quick look at Richard's hand had to be too long anyway, because man took it away. Taking step back he stood up. Butterflies flew away somewhere. 

"Yeah, I'm all good." Whine escaped me after that making my cheeks all red. I was hoping that when I looked down my hair covered whole face and made me invisible or something. Being here was... I don't know... normal, so without thinking I was acting like I do in my own house. From what I've just experienced my behaviour was amusing as the quiet chuckle got out of Hammond's throat. "Shut up." I snorted and dared to look at him. His hair a little messy, wrinkles around eyes, warm smile... 

Shaking head, I reached out arms toward Hammond. Out of hand he got what I was trying to do. He took my palms and helped me to stand up with so much carefulness. There was a brief moment when by accident our eyes met. It wasn't planned, really it wasn't. I didn't mean to dive in those little oceans of his. 

 _Oh, girl. It's_ _happening. You knew well it was on before, you just tried to deny it, hide that thought and keep moving. Pushing away_ _this feeling you were hoping it'll never see the daylight again. It's dangerous_ _emotion, making you do things you normally don't. How it went last time, Hayley? How you ended up? You don't bother to stop it,_ _so_ _it lives its life. E_ _ventually_ _it'll_ _fall apart_ _, sooner or later._  

"So," he broke thin strand created by drowning in each other's eyes. "I got you some more clothes you can put on. It's cold outside and your dress isn't proper for all the wind, though we're going to be in car most of the time. Of course, air-condition will be on, I don't want us to freeze after all, but I assumed you'd rather spend the way feeling more comfortable in fluffy tracksuit and hoodie. Long way is ahead and I know it's not what you dreamt of, especially not with an old drunk-arse and not after waking up by-" 

"Hammond" I cut him off holding back laugh. He was speaking so fast with a bit of nervousness which was somewhat adorable. "I appreciated it, thank you." Moving closer and tilting head I left gentle kiss on his cheek. His hands were still holding mine, the grip tighten vaguely but when I leaned back Richard's face was relaxed. "After five minutes, I'll be ready to go."  

It didn't take too long to get in a car and starting its engine. All my stuff was packed in small suitcase, laying comfortably in the trunk with Hammond's luggage. My original plan was to put clothes and rest of my things from my SUV and put it in some bag, so it could safely go home with me, but Richard was insisting for me to take suitcase, because he doesn't really use this one. Of course, I was sticking with my own idea but eventually gave up. It wasn't right time to argue with small stubborn man. 

It was a little bit weird feeling emptying then leaving my car at Hammond's place. It was even more weird driving with Richard in his car, away from his home. Looking through the window, chasing all clouds with my eyes I was thinking how beautiful this sky looked at night. So many stars were scattered all over black horizon, shining so bright despite the weather. And me... I was safe there locked in solid walls with another soul beside me. 

Now that precious soul had hands on wheel, eyes focused on road and barely visible smile. If somebody told me even half year ago that I'd be sitting in Richard Hammond's car, driving with him to London after night spent in his house, well, probably I wouldn't be able to stop laughing after hearing it. Back in time scenarios like this one seemed to be impossible. Chance to meet a person from tv show you like is kind of unlikely to happen but it's still a chance, a dream we believe will come true one day. 

I have always been wondering how I would react if I actually met famous person. What would I do? What would I say? How all the meeting would look like? Would it take long? Would I make a fool out of myself by saying or doing something totally stupid? Would that person be nice to me because he or she wants to be nice or was forced to? If it happened on street, would I be brave enough to approach this person? Would it be proper to ask for a photo or autograph? Would that person have time for small talk?  

So many options and so many doubts how it might roll.  

Yet here I was with someone I watched on glass screen for so many years. 

Turning my gaze to road I started to chuckle. Sinking into seat and making myself more comfortable I let out deep breath. Without any denial, I must've admit I was hoping to meet Hammond one day but even in my deepest secret dreams it has never been a scenario I was living now. 

"What's so funny?" 

"Me." 

"Why is that?" Hammond asked. Turned my body to have better access to see him. He was taking every chance to quickly look at me for a brief moment. 

"Well, I'm so busy with identifying and accepting my other emotions and feelings that I completely forgot how much I actually wanted to meet you." He didn't say anything but wide smile showed up on his face. "Man, I was watching Top Gear since third or fourth season, it seems like ages ago now. I've never thought car show would get me into the swing of it. I was never into cars really, just enjoy driving them and how they look. I still don't know much about engines or suspensions, or how technology let us make electric cars, or how it's possible to put such big number of horsepower under thin layer of metal, and I don't differentiate understeering with oversteering which is perfectly fine with me, because I won't be a car specialist ever. But you know what?" I waited a minute for him to look at me so I could smile. "You and your twisted friends made me realize cars can be masterpieces with how they look, how they sound, how they move. And even though you're joking the show isn't one you can rely on or wait for some car advice, I believe it's more than just those jokes and entertainment you deliver." 

"Why you started watching Top Gear?" 

"My dad's a petrol head, watching you since the very beginning, he tried many times to encourage my brother to be a petrol head as well. I've always had deep bond between me and my brother, so when he got into Top Gear I just joined him, I guess. But my brother was never persistent so relationship between him and cars never last long and he just ended it. I stayed though." 

"I'm very glad you did." 

"Yeah, me too." We went quiet after that. Engine's roar was replacement for music and it was doing good job with not letting uncomfortable silence intrude us. It was quite cool listening to unvarying purring of car and trying to name what clouds above us remind me of. Nice experience, the one that can calm you down. 

My body tensed forcing me to take deep breath and close eyes for few minutes when I realized I told something about my family. I haven't done it for a while, hiding and bottling up every detail in my head. Not that I've never wanted to share anything about my home, it was always easier not to tell and pretend everything's okay. People come and gone in my entire life, leaving blank spaces and emptiness afterwards. Personally, I wasn't any better; once scalded I never actually tried to be in touch after leaving job or moving away. It was easier that way, though I was fully aware I needed some time to be comfortable enough around new crew. But I got used to it so let it be that way. 

Now it was simple question asked in friendly way with real interest and curiosity – it was all I needed to share small thing about my dad and brother. Or maybe it was the voice that asked? Or it was just the right time to say anything, because I needed to. Despite how it looks now I have so many memories of my childhood and teenage years full of laugh and jokes, and things that keeps me smiling. Simple childhood filled up with positive energy and many adventures I got through with siblings. 

Bursting out with loud lough probably scared Hammond, at least that's what I deduced out of his quiet cursing. "What now?" 

"Nothing." Couldn't calm myself down. 

"Tell me, please." 

It's odd feeling that tears you apart when you want to say something and don't at the same time. All it needs is the smallest anchor point to tip the scales in one direction. And I know I should've not looked at Richard when he asked me to continue, I should have not done it because I couldn't resist those brown puppy eyes. "It won't be funny for you really." 

"Damn you woman, just say it already." 

"Okay, okay, just..." Taking long breath I tried to smoother laugh in throat. "When I was a kid I had no idea what horsepower is, whatsoever." Mind was replaying whole situation in head, I was watching it behind closed eyes and everything felt so real. "I was, I don't know, ten or eleven maybe when dad was talking with uncle about some new supercar or a car he always wanted to have, not sure now, it's not even important. Then the word 'horsepower' was mentioned and my uncle asked me do I know what it is. And with all the courage I had back in time, I told him it's a thing that makes car really fast, and he was like but how does it work." Took another deep breath as laugh was trying to find way out of my throat, again. "You have to know I never was a smarty, more like dreamer living in own world up in the clouds and so I said that horsepower is a huge field under bonnet where miniature mechanical horses live, like hundreds of them depends on car of course, and drivers feed them with petrol, because since horses are mechanical they can't eat grass like normal ones. And when they're full of petrol they start running furiously under the bonnet and it makes car fast. And that people created special holes for pouring petrol, because if they opened the bonnet, horses would run away and car cannot be turned on again." 

Hammond was smiling when I started my story but in the end, he was laughing so hard with me. Not in mocking way, but in the one when you hear the best joke in the world for the first time and you just can't stop giggling. 

"Dear god, this is one of the best story I've heard in years." Blush was creeping on my neck and it went further up on my cheeks as I was laughing. "Bet you had so serious face when you were telling this to your dad and uncle, Jesus, too bad I couldn't see that." 

"Wish you could see me when I found out the truth and saw that under bonnet was some metal stuff so far away from picture I had in my head." 

"You were broken then?" 

"I was devastated. My world view was ruined and turned into ashes." 

"Seems like a global crisis." 

"Ha, more than that. It was universe crisis. Haven't heard it? It was all over the media." 

"Sorry, I was probably at work back then." 

"So rude!" I cuffed man on his shoulder slightly, making him laugh even more. Pretending to be even a little outraged was the toughest job to do. 

"Honestly, I think the way you imagined things was adorable and cute." Guess all my face not just cheeks was all rose-coloured. It might be just my fantasy but Hammond's cheeks looked like they had some pink colour as well. "Kids always have this innocent and hilarious way to explain the world." 

"Yeah, I could be kid again, doing nothing and everything with my brother at the same time. Conquering the world, being the best ruler universe ever had and just dreaming all day without any worries." I sighed turning head to see the road ahead us. 

"I couldn't." 

"Why?" 

There was small hesitant before he answered. And it didn't feel like hesitant because he didn't want to say, it was more like he wasn't sure if can say it at all. "I couldn't because I wouldn't meet you." 

I admit, it took me aback for minute. Through that minute I wasn't sure if he was making fun or not. "You know this was extremally cheesy, don't you?" 

"I-uhh... I don't care. It's true. I'm more than glad I met you, Hayley. I really am." His smile was so pure and true, his eyes confirmed what he said. Didn't know how to response, what to say. I smiled back at man hoping he'll see his words made me feel good. "Anyway, may I ask you two questions?" 

"I do know what horsepower is." 

He began to laugh again. "Not that but good to know. My questions are not directly connected with parts of car or how it works." 

"Ok, sure, go ahead." 

"You said you're busy with trying to know your feelings and I was just wondering what are those feelings? Everything's okay?" 

I didn't expect to hear this. I didn't expect to hear so much concern in his voice. And if I didn't share some funny memory of mine minutes earlier, I might have felt tears in my eyes. 

"Hammond, I-" It's so hard to verbalize things you're unsure about and just show it to another person, no matter how close that person would be. Talking about emotions isn't easy, at least not for me. Anyway, what should I tell him? That I feel something but after similar experience to this one I can't just open the bottle and gush out my inner, sensitive side? That I need time? "I'm- I can't-" 

"I'm sorry. Didn't mean to push wrong button." He was abashed now and... guilty maybe? But it wasn't his fault, it was mine. "If you don't want to tell... don't tell. I'm worried, that's all, thought I could help." 

"No!" I used a bit to desperate and a bit too loud tone. "No, it's not that I don't want to tell, it's that I can't for now." Running fingers through my hair I was thinking how to say what I'm able to share with now. "Look, I'd like to tell you what I mean with all the feelings and emotions blabbering but not now. I don't fully trust myself to let my brain verbalize what's inside. There's some mess in my head I need to tidy up and when it'll be done, I'm going to go back to your question and answer it. Hope you understand." 

"You know, it's nearly the same words you told me earlier." 

"I know." I smiled shyly at him. "I know. I'm repeating them cause they're very well balanced and they won't mislead you." He must have sensed my insecurity; his response was just a simple nod I was thankful for. "What about your second question?" 

"Oh, well, yeah..." His smile changed into nervous one. He cleared his throat and let out quick breath. "I was thinking if you would like to go out with me? Fancy restaurant, pub, cinema, museum, whatever you like. I could keep you company and morally repay for mucking up your car and making you babysitting me all night, and you know, just to talk." 

 _He's just asked you_   _out. He's just freaking asked you_ _out. Try to keep your cool, girl._  

Couldn't hide smirk on my face and blush that was there as well didn't bother me at all. "I'd love to, Richard. But don't make me wear heels or drive you drunk home again." 

"I'll try." He grinned from ear to ear. Don't know if he felt it too, but with his question and my response I had the feeling like finally heavy piece got out of my chest; I felt relived and excited. 

Rest of the journey was spent on talking about everything and nothing, laughing a little and humming quietly our favourite songs. When we arrived on airport Hammond told me to take his car for time when mine would be taking care of. He didn't have enough time to drive me home, he was almost late for a flight. 

"Hammond, wait." I stepped out of the car and stopped him by holding his wrist. "Give me your unlocked phone for a minute, please." 

"But why you-" 

"Just give it." Taking out device he handled it to me. I entered few numbers and made a call, my phone was vibrating in car. "That's my number, you can text or call me while being out of the office." 

Hammond simply smiled at me but it was a smile you won't forget for long time. 

Turning engine on and taking deep breath I nearly chocked on Richard's scent. Everything inside was smelling like him. Touching steering wheel gently with my fingertips I could bet I felt Richard's skin under. Grinning like Cheshire cat I drove back home and laid down with head full of questions and dreams.


End file.
